Express & Star

Tim Vine talks ahead of Birmingham show

We could spend 800 words telling you that Tim Vine was born in Cheam, is the brother of BBC R2’s Jeremy and that – perhaps unexpectedly – he’s a fully paid up member of the God Squad who had a stern Christian upbringing and prays every day.

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Tim’s on Vine form for new tour as he heads to Birmingham

But we won’t. Because when it comes to Tim Vine, the best part of him is his jokes.

So rather than work out where he’s come from and where he’s going, we thought it might be more fun to have a laugh-in, a gigglefest, a laugh-out-loud-and-shake-our-bellies chortle at the funny things he’s said.

Before we do, we ought to tell you where you can see him. Tim’s presently on his Sunset Milk Idiot tour, telling lots of silly new jokes, showing off new homemade props, singing some new daft ditties, and all with the appearance of confidence.

The following subjects will be touched upon briefly: pixie football, ice cream and nibble feeders. The quantity won’t let up. Fans can look forward to comedy without a message.

Tim will be playing at Birmingham Town Hall on February 16 and 17. So, without further ado, it’s time for the funnies. Enjoy.

Exit signs? They’re on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can’t let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’. I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down’.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again. – that’s a site for sore eyes.

So I said to a Scottsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’.

Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was’.

I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.

I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’. He said: ‘Not you again’.

I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’.

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths’? He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from’.

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits’? He said: ‘How flexible are you’? I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.

I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said: ‘I want you to trace someone for me’.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal’.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it’. He said: ‘Those are pickled onions’.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library’. I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books’.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands’? I said ‘We’ll start with one’. He said ‘Knickerbocker glory’? I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes’.

I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent’. He said ‘To camp’? I said [butchly]: ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent’. I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan’. He said ‘Camper?’ I said [campily]: ‘Make your mind up’.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar’? I said ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin? Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar, it’s murder on the Orient Express...

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.

I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full’. I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down’.