Express & Star

'My Party of Truth manifesto for the 2024 general election' – Toby Neal

Promises, promises, promises. You're probably sick of them.


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But what if there was an alternative party which made the sort of promises that other parties dare not make? Let's call it the Party of Reason, Altruism, and Truth.

Here are some of the things you might get in its fully-funded manifesto.

SAVING OUR HIGH STREETS: A five-year planning ban on opening any large shops outside specified High Street regeneration zones. Internet sales will be taxed at 50 per cent.

DEFENCE: HMS Prince of Wales and HMS Queen Elizabeth to be put on eBay and the money raised used to buy hundreds of thousands of drones.

'Stick it on ebay'

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION: Why waste money on expensive schemes like the Rwanda plan? Instead erect large signs on pontoons floating in the middle of the English Channel bearing the message: Keep Out. It would be just as effective as the government's schemes and come at a fraction of the cost.

HOUSING: To tackle the rampant undercrowding crisis police will be given given new powers to raid homes to check that garages are being used for cars and that there are no bedrooms being used to store junk. Offenders to be issued with enforcement orders to turn the garages into cosy maisonettes and to take lodgers in, staying in those unused bedrooms.

GREEN BELT: Will be painted blue. Green belt planning restrictions solved.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Police to be given new powers to stop any car carrying a sole occupant without reasonable excuse, with fixed penalty notices for offenders, in an effort to get people to share cars and so reduce emissions.

CRIME: The party pledges to bring down crime figures while freeing up space in prisons by giving a free pardon to anybody who has been waiting longer for their case to come to trial than they would get in a sentence if found guilty. Reporting crime to be treated like submitting planning applications, with a fee charged for each crime reported. This will defray the costs if the police decide to bother investigating.

'Blame the patients for NHS crisis'

NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE: Blame for the crisis in the NHS can be laid squarely on the shoulders of the patients. Police to be given new powers to visit A&E departments to run spot checks to ensure there are no time-wasters who could be dealt with by GPs after a small delay of several weeks. Collecting tins to be placed in hospital entrances to encourage people to donate to the NHS. The principle of NHS treatment being free at the point of delivery will be stoutly defended, but why should that also apply to providing accommodation and food? After all, you pay to stay in a hotel. A modest charge will be levied and, in accordance with the socialist principles of Nye Bevan, those with the broadest shoulders will be expected to contribute a little more.

PENSIONS: With many modern pensioners having grown up in the politically incorrect 1960s and 1970s a fee will be levied on pension payments as recompense for past crimes and outdated attitudes, with a penalty surcharge for anyone proven to have laughed at Les Dawson mother-in-law jokes.

YOUNG PEOPLE: With this being the most unhappy young generation in history – as proven by youth mental health statistics – positive action will be taken by making it an offence to say or do anything which upsets young people or disturbs their world view. Offenders will be sentenced to three years' national service. To further avoid stress levels, exams will be marked by student self-assessment.

BREXIT: In the first days of government the party will establish an independent inquiry into the effects of Brexit chaired by Alastair Campbell. Its recommendations will be voted on in a specially-convened citizens' assembly of people vetted to ensure they understand the issues, sitting in London. Any motion to rejoin the EU will be decided by a Parliamentary sub committee comprising Sir Keir Starmer, David Lammy, and Yvette Cooper, with Michel Barnier making a special guest appearance.

POLICE: As the policies above will cut crime figures, we won't need so many police officers, so thousands will be given gardening leave to help boost domestic fruit & veg production. Calling the police will become like calling a plumber.

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