Express & Star

Mark Andrews – Kicking up a stink, a tale of two MPs, and the great Jordan v Peter debate

People won't be going to jail just because they have a bit of BO, cabinet minister Gillian Keegan has assured the public.

Who do you prefer – Katie or Peter

This is despite the Criminal Justice Bill, which aims to crack down on vagrants, allowing for police to detain people for 'excessive odour'.

Frankly, that's the one bit of the Bill we should all be able to get behind.

Because the homeless are about the only group with a legitimate excuse for exhibiting poor personal hygiene. After all, you can't really enjoy a Badedas in the doorway of Wilko. But there are plenty of other people with no such excuse – I've known a few over the years – people who pen and ink simply because they are selfish and inconsiderate. If the Old Bill want to bang them up, that's fine by me.

Mind you, I wouldn't want to be the custody sergeant on duty when they're all brought in. Let alone the cleaner the following morning.

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Katie Price, the artist formerly known as Jordan, says her ex-husband Peter Andre has 'forgot where he came from', and claims she 'made him' who he is today.

No offence Katie, but I'm not sure that's something to brag about.

But it does raise the interesting question about which of these two beacons of British culture have made the greater contribution to the nation.

On the one hand, Peter rose to prominence in the mid-1990s for taking his top off to sing excruciatingly corny songs. While Jordan just took off her top and did little else, which I think, on balance, makes her the preferable of the pair.

* * *

William Wragg sounds a nice chap, doesn't he? He's the MP for Hazel Grove in Greater Manchester who sent dirty pictures of himself to a stranger on a dating website, only to find that his secret admirer was not so much lusting after his honourable member, but wanted to blackmail him into giving out his colleagues' personal contact details. So, naturally, he duly obliged.

What never ceases to amaze me about these people is that they never learn. They must surely know by now that there is no such thing as online privacy. So, if you really must get up to naughties, don't ever do it on the internet.

* * *

Contrast Wragg's craven conduct with that of Johnny Mercer, the veterans' minister threatened with jail for refusing to name whistleblowers who provided him with evidence of atrocities committed in Afghanistan. You won't be too surprised to hear that the retired judge ordering Mercer to spill the beans is the chairman of a public inquiry. Boy, don't we love inquiries in this country.

But fair play to ex-army officer Mercer for standing his ground. Don't be too surprised to see him in the running for Conservative leader after defeat at the General Election.