Life, you just have to get on with it!

The problem is that I can only manage to sit at my desk for a short time, leaning over to draw a design takes its toll on my back, and unfortunately it is not until I move that I realise how bad the pain is, then I really pay for it! Take this morning for instance, I started to do some lettering for a birthday card and half an hour later I realised how much my pain had increased, so much so that I couldn't sit upright. Pain shot through my lower spine and I had problems transferring myself from my desk chair to a more comfortable seat where I could rest in a better position. The chair I wanted to get to was literally one step away!

My life can be so frustrating, if I tell someone I am exhausted just by sitting and drawing for thirty minutes they often look at me in disbelief, but chronic pain is exhausting and debilitating, it takes away your independence, confidence, and can change your life.

It has changed mine, not overnight, it crept up on me. As my health got worse over time, so my life slowly changed, going from being a mother of two working part-time, attending keep fit classes, walking and dancing regularly, to someone who needs to use wheels to get around, to a person who is in pain all of the time. My confidence is not what it was, my independence is very depleted. I am a different woman in many ways to the one I was over 20 years ago.

But life is not all bad. I am alive for one thing, which in itself is an achievement as I had fast growing aggressive breast cancer in 2005 which required surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy. Just when I thought the treatments had ended I discovered I had HER2 positive breast cancer and needed the drug herceptin, just at the time women all over the country were fighting for it to be made available for all. I awaited a decision from the PCT and thankfully I heard, on the very day it was approved for everyone, that I could have the treatment. So another twelve months of hospitals ensued to be given the drug by IV.

I am alive because of the skills of professionals, and I thank them all.

Life is not all bad because I have a lovely family and I have a brilliant granddaughter aged four, almost five. She makes me worn out just to look at her but she also makes me laugh all the time I am with her. Her imagination is amazing, the things she says (and believe me she rarely stops talking) can be so funny.

So yes, while I am in pain all the time and require wheels to get about, I try and count my blessings. While I do get down, wonder 'why me? ', get frustrated, upset and worried, I'd rather it was me than one of my loved ones. I would rather see them well and happy.