Andy Richardson: Are you ready for Lockdown 2 - The Sequel?

Sit down, at home, obviously, without any members of your extended family, your neighbours or friends from work.

Boris Johnson
Boris Johnson

Crack open your favourite beverage, if you’re lucky enough to have been able to buy any as our supermarket shelves again go into meltdown and there’s a run on loo rolls, pasta and, curiously, tins of cloudy cider.

Pop open the popcorn, while ruminating on the fact that this is the last time you’ll get to do a date night for eons because the economy is now subterranean and we’ve got as much chance of economic growth as a pickled walnut.

And settle back as we prepare to screen: Lockdown 2: The Sequel, starring B J Johnson, we made up the J, to make him sound sexy, and Mike ‘The Squirminator’ Gove. A play on words for The Terminator. You can see what we did, there.

Trouble is, The Sequel is no laughing matter. It’s a tragedy, rather than a farce. We’re not really locked down for four weeks.

More Covid-19 coverage:

As The Who famously sang, We Won’t Get Fooled Again. Boris is great at the soft sell, at telling us one thing and delivering something worse.

Anyone remember the world class track and trace system that cost £12 billion and still isn’t fit for purpose, or the notion that we’d be on top of it within 12 weeks, though it’s seven months on and we’re very much underneath it?

The Tory Party is split, the death rate is expected to be twice the number of spring, most foresee curbs lasting for several months and those who used to drive Mazdas are queuing at the food banks. The economic hit is likely to be less severe than spring, though the principal reason for that is because the economy is now smaller than it was in spring and it’s got less far to fall.

Shoppers are off their trollies as bog roll bandits snaffle the Andrex and the virus continues to spread in schools - now might seem the sensible time to encourage kids to wear masks, just like their parents. Scenes of relatives trying to greet their much-loved family through the windows of care homes are truly heartbreaking.

Mind you, the idiocy doesn’t abate. On Twitter, there’s a hashtag #WeWillNotComply. A nurse, in response, Tweeted a picture of herself in full PPE, risking her life to save those of others.

Presumably the rebellious bunch will also sign a form to say they won’t use the NHS and endanger others, while also paying the funeral costs for those they happily infect through nonchalance and irresponsibility.

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