Peter Rhodes: Sane Max

A READER notices the new adverts for washing-machine tablets carry the warning: "Keep out of reach of children." He tells me: "Couldn't agree more. I have lived by this maxim for years."

THE John Lewis Xmas ad? I haven't a clue. Let us move on.

TRUST the historian, not the politicians. On the issue of migration, Max Hastings stood head and shoulders above the rest of the panel on Radio 4's Any Questions. He described "a vast swathe of humanity from Africa and the Middle East who see what we have in our society and they do not have" and are making their way to Europe. Sir Max made the point that the biggest movement of people since the Second World War will continue not for years but for decades, affecting not his generation (he is 69) but the generations to come. He warned that, while it is wrong automatically to assume it will be a disaster, "Britain and Europe are going to become radically different places." He is surely right. Politicians talk about settling a few thousand here or there, as though they have real answers, but there are tens of millions who want a better life in Europe. We are a humane nation and there is absolutely no humane way of stopping them. We are seeing the beginning of the end of the old Europe and the Britain we knew. All we can hope is that the folk dwelling here 100 years from now will live well and happily and look after the place.

I WROTE yesterday about our smart meter. A pal who claims to knows about such things says the real purpose of smart meters is to figure out which houses to switch off first when the power cuts come. Get your candles now.

AND off to the lake to batten down the old boat before the winter storms begin. The wind is hitting 40mph and the only human activity on the lake is the windsurfers, proving the old adage that the smaller your boat, the more you use it. The bloke next to me in the boat park is complaining glumly that some flipping blighter (he didn't actually say "flipping blighter" but this is a family newspaper) has stolen the winch-hitch from his dinghy. In situations like this, we like to cling to the belief that we belong to a community of sailors, golf-club members, allotment keepers or whatever. We kid ourselves that we are a band of honest brothers and therefore random burglars or kids from the village must be responsible for any crimes. But the only person who wants a boat hitch is somebody with a boat. As when my boat hook vanished last year, this is a case of club members stealing from each other. The lowest of the low. Flipping blighters.

IS this a common experience? A friend with a little time on her hands has volunteered to help two charities. Both insist that "We're always desperate for volunteers," yet after filling out the forms some weeks ago, she has heard nothing from either. How many charities are run by people with hearts of gold and the organisational abilities of a hen?

DRIVING past a field of massive wind turbines a few weeks ago, I noticed they were stationary because of the lack of wind. This week they were stationary because there was too much wind.

WHAT is the correct collective noun for lots of wind turbines? An accumulation?