Best of Peter Rhodes

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

THE irritatingly hunky and handsome Daniel Craig says in the next Bond film he will be swapping his trademark Martini for lager. Oh, please let it be shaken.

ABDEL Hakim Belhadj, once a rebel against Gaddafi but now a senior military commander in Libya, is taking legal action personally against Jack Straw to find out if Straw signed papers allowing him to be handed over for torture. But Straw was merely home secretary at the time. His boss was Tony Blair. Is this the beginning of a process which will finally bring Blair to account? Or will it once again be impossible to make any mud stick to "Teflon Tone"?

TIPS for a particularly wet drought. If the hosepipe ban is introduced, do not put your hose away. You may need it to pump out the cellar.

IN THE days when the Olympic Games were about more than turning athletes into advertising placards, there were categories to find the world's best writers, poets, sculptors and even town planners. This reflected the belief that mankind may excel in more things than running, jumping or beach volleyball. There are hints that the London Olympics this summer may feature some innovative events. After the 2011 riots, the St Paul's tent city and the Boat Race disruption, it is reckoned that Britain now has some of the most successful protesters in the world. Activists are threatening to block the traffic lanes reserved for sponsors and VIPs. They boast of making the Games "unworkable." Freestyle urban disruption: I bet it's a damn sight more interesting than the dressage.

OUR changing language. Debauchery (traditional meaning) = "excessive intemperance, habitual lewdness". Debauchery (modern meaning, as applied by outraged headline writers to Simon Cowell) = 52-year-old multi-millionaire bachelor having girlfriends. They are consenting adults. Get over it.

THERE is a common belief that if someone can sing like an angel, dance like a dream or paint like Picasso they must have something sensible to say on serious issues. Not necessarily. The artist David Hockney's latest essay on the "freedom" of smoking is the silliest thing I have read for some time. Hockney declares: "I smoke for my mental health as I'm much too hyper normally." So smoking is good for the brain? This harks back to the ignorance of the 1930s when people were told that smoking calmed the nerves, city smog toughened the lungs and the best thing you could do for a chesty baby was to dangle him over the tar barrel. Of all the choices we make in life, taking up smoking is one of the stupidest.

AFTER David Hockney on the health benefits of smoking, I can't wait for the significance of the Higgs boson particle to be properly explained by Jedward.

IT'S that S-word again. After "fabric solutions" (flags) and "hospitality solutions" (marquees), I note that my local dentist is now trading as "dental solutions."

MOST revolting quote of the century so far? "It's all your fault, I'm going to get years for this." Spoken by Shane Jenkin, 33, after he beat Tina Nash, 31, fracturing her jaw, breaking her nose and gouging out her eyes, leaving her permanently blind. Jenkin is due to be sentenced next month for GBH with intent. We can be sure the jail term will be nowhere near long enough. Sharia law? Bring it on.

A QUARTER of motorists aged 17 to 24 admit using smartphones to read emails or use social-networking sites while driving, according to RAC figures. This proves that many smartphones are considerably smarter than their owners. Driving with a smartphone is like having a copper's nark in the passenger seat. The moment the police stop you and pick up your phone it will grass you up, telling them where and when you used the phone, who you called and how long you were online. Smartphones may be smart but they are not loyal.

INCIDENTALLY, loyalty cards are not loyal either.

THERE was a wonderful moment in Twenty-Twelve (BBC2) when Graham, Head of Infrastructure (Karl Theobald) is explaining the average time spent by athletes in urinals to Nick, Head of Contracts (Vincent Franklin) and informs him that "tinkle time" is a recognised term in the sanitary world. "I'm not from the sanitary world," growls Nick. "I'm from Yorkshire."