Peter Rhodes: Forget the numbers, look at the weight

THE art of successful public relations is to choose your figures wisely. For example, it is reported this week that nine out of ten hospitals are short of nurses. This is bad news, but only because the unit of measurement is individual nurses. A smart PR operator, noting the size of so many NHS employees, would point out that the total national weight of nurses is actually rising and the tonnage-per-patient ratio has never been higher. Another success story. More chocolates, sister?

THE student campaign at Oxford'S Oriel College to remove a statue of "racist" Cecil Rhodes, coupled with similar politically-correct stunts at US colleges, has prompted some commentators to lament the death of freedom of expression on our campuses. So students are the traditional defenders of liberal values, are they? Dream on. Far from being beacons of enlightenment, campuses have a track record of tyranny. If you take the black-and-white certainties of youth, add a new and exciting cause and throw in a dash of barking-mad tutors, you have a lethal mix. German students gleefully embraced Nazism and burned Jewish books. American students, in the name of God, burned Beatles records. Chinese students flooded into the ranks of Mao's murderous Red Guards and middle-class British students adopted the barbarous butcher Che Guevara as their hero. All humans are tyrants until we reach 40. Discuss.

AFTER last week's item on domestic abuse, a bittersweet tale from a reader who once worked in a department dealing with customer complaints. One woman colleague had the knack of defusing the angriest of encounters and turning strife into peace. When he complimented her on this rare talent she smiled and explained she had plenty of practice, being married to a drunken husband.

ON the same topic, it's a long time since I encountered a complaints system as useless as E.on's. You may recall my run-in with the electricity company a few weeks ago when, having failed to send me a meter-reading reminder, they issued a final demand threatening debt charges. They insisted any problem was at my end and advised me to look out for the next reminder, on December 18. The day came and went. No reminder. So I tried to contact E.on but their email address didn't work. I tried another of their addresses which bounced back with the note: "The email you've attempted to send has not been delivered," and gave yet another E.on address. This one directed me to a website headed: "Oops, the page you're looking for isn't here." So I phoned E.on who suggested I should speak to the Complaints Resolution Manager - who doesn't have an email address. What am I getting for Christmas? Hypertension.

I RECENTLY suggested that in the first Star Wars movie, C3PO delivered Princess Leia's message. It was, of course, R2D2. Apologising to robots; has it come to this?

HUNTS are predicting that 250,000 supporters will turn out at Boxing Day meets, showing that the Hunting Act is in tatters. This is the perfect demonstration that, whatever Downing Street says, we are not "all in it together." We are not all equal before the law. If foxhunting were a pastime for lads in leather jackets on motorcycles, it would have been wiped out years ago.

USEFUL advice on discovering a suspicious object in an aircraft toilet. Keep flushing.