WHAT price health and safety?

A NUMBER of British lawyers are preparing workplace-discrimination cases for anyone treated unfairly because of obesity. Where there's lard, there's brass.

MY recent item on putting the happiness-inducing mineral lithium in water supplies reminded some readers of the great fluoride conspiracy. This is the one, especially popular from the 1930s to the 1960s, which suggests there's a global plan to put fluoride in our drinking water in order to rot our brains and make us suggestible. These days we have EastEnders.

FUNNY how your opinions can change in an instant. I had always been vaguely opposed to the European Arrest Warrant. How can it be right that English folk can be arrested on English doorsteps and hauled off to be tried in foreign courts? And then you see the footage of Chelsea fans ("We're racists and that's the way we like it") abusing people in the Paris Metro and you think, oh, bring it on. Chuck 'em in the police van and next stop, Calais.

I HAD no idea they were inviting bids from volunteers eager to go to Mars and never return to Earth. Why can't we nominate other people? I've got a little list . . .

CHANNEL 4's heavy handed docu-drama, Ukip: The First 100 Days, reminded me of the Harry Enfield spoof 1930s propaganda film with the slogan "L is for Labour – L is for lice" which showed lice crawling all over a Labour candidate. Except that Enfield's film was original, witty and clever while the C4 thing looked like it had been cobbled together by a GCSE drama class who'd just been lectured by Weird Ed.

FORTY years of health and safety legislation and it comes to this. In New Zealand, two cops spot a woman whose car has rolled into a harbour. She cannot escape and is minutes away from drowning. The officers jump into the water, grab a slab of concrete, smash the rear window and drag her to safety. Are we not all appalled at such recklessness? Did either of these officers conduct a full risk assessment? I doubt it. Have they attended an approved course on jumping into water? Were they aware of the microbial risks of entering a harbour without protective clothing? Have they undergone hypothermia training? Were they qualified in all aspects of handling large pieces of masonry? It is intolerable that members of the emergency services think they should provide some sort of service in an emergency. Back to the classroom, everyone.

I TOOK a phone call from a solar-panel merchant who went on and on about how I couldn't possibly not afford to have his products bolted to the roof and churning out free electricity. And he went on. And on. It began turning sinister when he said he had a salesman in the area the next day and when was a good time to call? I told him I wasn't buying, no matter what he offered, and how long was his spiel likely to last? "I can go on for weeks," he declared proudly. "To make me quiet you have to get the facts and figures." Actually, there is another way. I told him I was a consumer journalist (whatever that is) and he hung up very quickly.

YOU have only yourself to blame. After watching Ben Hur you did not try to race chariots. After watching The Godfather you did not start shooting people. So what is it with Fifty Shades of Grey? Just stop wincing and rub some cream on it.