Mark Andrews: TikTok star Burnham and Uefa saves football from Gianni's greed

And it looks like Gianni Infantino’s great World Cup share issue, where anybody with a few billion to spare can buy a slice of the competition from Donald Trump’s son-in-law’s brother, has missed the mark. Whereas in the good old days, you just bunged a few million to Chuck Blazer, and didn’t need to bother with the middle men.

I’ll admit I was initially a bit disappointed by this. After all, a bit of 1980s-style share-owning democracy is the pick-me-up well all need right now.

But still, fair play to Uefa for standing up for decency and integrity. Selling shares in the World Cup would be the thin end of the wedge, opening up the terrifying prospect of turning our wholesome national came into a hotbed of greed, dirty cash and nepotism. Can you imagine what that would be like?

The downside is that unless Gianni backs down before September, England will have to withdraw from the under-20s ladies’ contest which takes place that month. It’s a heavy price, but one I think we can bear.

The question is, what will we all do with the spare cash left over from the Royal Mail sell off? Maybe they should start selling shares in the Fifa Peace Prize.

“This week a hot new bombshell enters the villa,” announced former Love Island presenter Laura Whitmore, as the new PM shook hands with supporters before entering No. 10.

Unbelievably, this is not the work of a bored teenager with too much time on their hands, but was actually posted on the official government website. Since then, another video has appeared featuring Andy Burnham in a pub with Chancellor John Healey, weighing up the relative merits of pork scratchings and scampi fries. Aside from the fact that anyone who favours scampi fries is an unspeakable savage who belongs in the Tower of London, is this really how we want our Prime Minister to communicate with us?

While Mr Burnham has been somewhat reticent in taking hostile questions from what is now contemptuously known as ‘the mainstream media’, he has been all over TikTok like a rash. Labour is now reportedly offering £70,000 a year for ‘creators’ to presumably produce similarly banal ‘content’.

And now it emerges that the charming gentleman who leads the Green Party has posted some very tasteful images apparently calling for Nigel Farage to face the guillotine. It was just one part of a ‘collaboration’, he says defiantly, making it sound like some old rocker who has signed a record deal with Taylor Swift.

Never mind the Online Safety Bill. What we really need is a social media ban for politicians. It’s for their own protection.

Getting caught for one relatively minor speeding offence could be construed as unlucky. Getting done twice in 20 days probably has a whiff of carelessness about it.

Nevertheless, the £1,771 penalty imposed by Telford magistrates on former Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond does seem a tad excessive. Hammond, was clocked driving his Porsche at 82mph in a 70 mph limit on December 2, and then driving a Bentley at 68mph in a 50mph limit on the A40 in Pencraig, Herefordshire. He was also issued with seven penalty points, which will wreak havoc with his insurance premium.

I’m sure Hammond can afford it, but the interesting thing is that £532 of his penalty was in ‘victim surcharges’. Erm, who were the victims, and how will they benefit?