Corporate cobblers - part two

"How are you?" "Not too bad thanks, how are you?" "Not too bad" "Good"

Although not a phrase as such, this still makes it onto my list due to the sheer number of times I hear it. I am not a fan of using the phone and this is a perfect example of why. For some reason the vast majority of phone calls made in a business environment will start like this. Just listen out for it. Why even go through this routine? The two parties concerned don't care how the other is – chances are they barely know each other, or may not have even ever communicated before. This isn't the reason they've called, and is why those on the phone give the stock answer of "not too bad" – it's non-committal. It gives nothing away, whilst also providing suitable closure for the personal update without requiring further probing. Nobody wants to hear how great a day you're having, nor do they want to hear about the strange rash that's getting worse. These pleasantries are completely unnecessary. Just don't bother. I don't.

“There’s no time like the present”

Oh really? Well what other options are there? You can only ever do something now. You can plan to do something in the future, but when you do it, it will be now. Disagree? Do something next Tuesday, right now.

Actually, the present is the only time.

“You’re a star…”

Is there a phrase more patronising than this? Really it should be accompanied with a ruffle of the hair, or a pinch of the cheek like your grandma used to do. If anyone says this to me ever again, I think I may just go supernova. A simple 'thanks' will suffice.

“Make sure we’re on the same page/singing from the same hymn sheet”

We might be on the same page, but you're definitely reading a different book to everyone else.

“It’s swings and roundabouts”

A shortened version of "what you lose on the swings, you make up for on the roundabouts". It still doesn't really make any sense in the full version.

I hear this in the workplace so much, that it makes me want to gather up my toys and storm off to play in the sandpit on my own.

Dishonorable mentions

• "Can I borrow you for a minute?" – Another patronising, chummy way of saying stop whatever it is you are doing and report to my desk immediately.

• "Can I ask you a question?"… um... apparently so.

• "Diarize that for next Tuesday" – "Diarize"? You're just making stuff up now. Yep, see you next Tuesday indeed. I'm done with you until absolutely necessary.

Unfortunately daft phrases aren't just consigned to the workplace. In my next post I'll dip into the wealth of stupidity the general public release.