Corporate cobblers - part one

These made-up corporate catchphrases spread like wildfire through the ranks of a company. All it requires is for one CEO or director to say something new and before you know it, this verbal diarrhoea has 'cascaded down' and is being used by all their 'yes-men' underlings on the despairing staff.

There are also a number of phrases that while not made up by some 'blue-sky thinking' manager, seem to be reserved solely for the workplace.

I shall go through a number I have heard on a regular basis during my working life.

'Going forward we need to do X, Y or Z'

Very insightful. As opposed to going backwards then? Unless the person concerned has ability to control space and time (in which case you have my attention) then there really is no need for this. As far as I'm aware time is unfortunately irreversible. But I'm glad you clarified, because I was about to go and prepare for that performance review that I'll be having last week.

'Think outside the box'

Like most corporate nonsense, this phrase in itself has no literal meaning whatsoever. What it is meant to do is encourage creative thinking – thinking that is in the box is supposedly constrained and unimaginative. However, all it encourages in me is contempt.

'Push the envelope'

Once again, I guess this means to go beyond the generally accepted boundaries. But my thinking is this; if more time was spent pushing the keys on the keyboard, or the pen on the paper, rather than listening to the ramblings of some self-absorbed management type in yet another pointless meeting, then maybe we wouldn't have to?

'Sorry to interrupt...'

No, you're not! Because if you really were that sorry you wouldn't interrupt me in the first place and you would wait until I'm done. What gives you the right to assume that whatever pressing matter you may have is more important than what I am talking about? The fact that I'm talking about video games or real ale is irrelevant.

'We’ll have to agree to disagree'

This is what someone says when they realise that they're wrong and I'm right, but they refuse to acknowledge my superior wisdom. We COULD agree to disagree, but I disagree with that notion…and you are still wrong.

'I hear what you’re saying, but…'

Essentially means they are completely disregarding what you have said, because your opinion is worthless to them.

'I’d like to apologise…'

This is an annoyance on two levels. For me, saying 'I'd like to' do something just doesn't cut it. Especially when compared to actually doing the thing in question. And saying 'I apologise' is completely absurd. Where is the actual apology? Go on then….apologise! There is no hint of remorse. Not even a simple 'I'm sorry'. Frankly, I don't want your apology anymore and I really would like to kick you repeatedly in the shin instead.

'Give 110 per cent' or 'Give one million per cent'

This I have to see. Clearly maths was not a strong subject at school. It is not possible to give more than 100pc you clot. If it were, the laws of physics would break down and bring about the end of the world as we know it, creating mass hysteria!