Listen to the fuddy-duddies

YOU may recall we had some innocent amusement last year with fiancees who had to think long and hard before taking on the man's surname. News reaches me of yet another dilemma. He is Mr Tinkler. She is Ophelia.

THE exchange of Taliban prisoners for an American soldier reveals the reality behind the West's much-vaunted claim that we never negotiate with terrorists. The truth is that we never, ever negotiate with terrorists under any circumstances. Unless we can.

SOME events seem to shrink time. Lady Mary Soames, daughter of Winston Churchill, has died aged 91. How odd to realise there may be others alive in 2014 whose fathers took part, with young Lieutenant Churchill, in the cavalry charge at Omdurman in 1898.

A letter in Private Eye takes a swipe at people who are disturbed by the sight of Tom Neuwirth as the bearded Conchita Wurst. The message, repeated endlessly across the internet, is that only fuddy-duddy old reactionaries with all sorts of sexual hang-ups are troubled at the sight of a man dressed as a woman with a beard. Those who claim to be utterly undisturbed by such things are the young, enlightened, laid-back and well-adjusted progressives. Conchita is a harmless drag act. But the automatic assumption that progressive is right and reactionary is wrong is far from harmless. Back in the 1970s lots of trendy, progressive people were not in the least disturbed about Jimmy Savile. When worried staff dared to ask what this weird bloke was doing stalking hospital wards and mental units, they were put in their place pretty damn quick by the starry-eyed supporters of "Dr Savile" and his progressive methods. At about the same time, the trendy progressives in the National Council for Civil Liberties were so undisturbed by the Paedophile Information Exchange that they granted it membership. You would think by now we would have learned that sometimes it's the easily-disturbed, reactionary old fuddy-duddies who are right.

EIGHT days ago in this column I used the expression "a 20-year-old boy." So far, not a single complaint. "Girl,"on the other hand, causes all sorts of trouble.

HOW do feminists describe an evening with fellow females? Is it "a night out with the women"?

ED Miliband says he doesn't pay much attention to British newspapers. A reader points out that an anagram of Ed Miliband is "media blind."

WHEN Ukip failed to win many votes in London last week, the (London-based) media said this was because people in the capital are brighter and better educated than us straw-sucking hicks in the sticks. And then we heard the tale of the London-based "shaman" who tricked wealthy middle-class Londoners out of almost £1 million. She convinced them she could cure their professional, health or fertility problems by hanging their money as a spiritual sacrifice on a sacred tree in the Amazonian rain forest. Call me a cynical old provincial but I can't imagine that scam working in Aberystwyth, Abingdon or Auchtermuchty.

INTERESTING, too, that the conwoman in this case was described in reports as a "fake shaman." It is very important, of course, when you deal with witch doctors, shamans, necromancers, warlocks, witches or leprechauns that you ensure their qualifications are in order.

HAVING trouble verifying your local shaman? I am proud to launch the Rhodes Shaman Authentication Service. Register with this exclusive service for a one-off payment of £20,000 and I will personally ensure you deal only with the genuine article. Thanks for joining. Your membership number is 1.