Peter Rhodes: Crisis, which crisis?

THREE things, none of which is a crisis: A shortage of lettuces in January. Three chilly days in a row in February. Speaker John Bercow revealing he voted Remain. The real crisis is that there isn't much genuine news around at the moment. I feel sure normal service will be restored.

NOR should we lose much sleep about Labour MPs reportedly scratching around for a new leader to replace Jeremy Corbyn. The problem for Labour is not finding leaders. The problem is finding voters.

THE Russian news website Sputnik stands accused of pumping out fake news. But if the Kremlin is dealing in fakery, it is probably as much sinned against as sinning. For example, type "Putin is dead" into Google and you'll get 84,000 responses.

SHERIDAN Smith is terrific as the family friend Julie in The Moorside (BBC1, tonight) but it's Gemma Whelan's performance as the troubled mother Karen that makes you think: "Where have I seen her before?" It's probably in Harry Enfield's Television Programme. Whelan is a dead ringer for Wayne Slob's wife, Waynetta. I'm waiting for her to announce grandly: "I am 'avin' a fag."

THE Government says old folk should consider selling large family homes and downsizing into sheltered accommodation. For many, it will make financial sense. And yet there is another side to it. A reader contacted me to say: "I sold my three-bedroom family home and deeply regret the move to sheltered housing. There is no sense of community. I have lost what I had: happiness, community and freedom." One email doesn't make a scandal but it might be the tip of an iceberg of regret.

TESS Newall thought her cherished 150-year-old wedding dress had been lost when a dry cleaners in Edinburgh ceased trading. But after her story went viral, a renewed search of the premises found it. Such is the power of the internet. It reminds me of my YouTube item on malt- based food supplements of the 1950s. It went Virol.

I AM getting emails headed: "Your latest BT bill is now online" at the rate of one or two per day. It is apparently a well-known phishing scam. BT's name is being used by crooks to steal personal data from BT customers. Why has BT not alerted us?

ONCE again, technology outstrips human frailty. An unnamed French businessman is reported to be suing the car-hailing app Uber for causing his divorce. He apparently used his wife's mobile to log into his Uber account just once. But from then on, his every Uber journey and destination appeared on her mobile, making her suspect he was having an affair. The businessman says a computer error caused his misery. He blames a bug. Others will blame an itch.

AN Anglican preacher has been suspended after emailing the pro-EU MP Anna Soubry: "Traitors are long remembered. May you burn in hell, you evil bitch!" To his credit he signed off: "Pastoral Co-ordinator, delivering well-being." Sweet.