Peter Rhodes on elusive treasure

THE very least we could expect from Labour's annual gathering is some indication of the party's view on leaving the EU. Instead, it is simply announced that there will be no vote on Brexit. The biggest thing in British and European politics will be sidelined. Brighton 2017 - the year they ignored the elephant.

A FRIEND, enthralled by the comedy series Detectorists (BBC1), wants to get into the treasure-detecting game. Her first port of call was the internet which came up with: "Sorry, the website www.metaldetectors.gbr.cc cannot be found." She says this does not inspire confidence.

LONDON loves to promote itself as a beacon of progressiveness, inclusiveness and compassion. In theory, our gloriously right-on capital would be very wary of Uber, a globalised organisation which stands accused of exploiting workers, using questionable software and turning a blind eye to sex attacks. But Uber rides are cheap and it seems hundreds of thousands of Londoners are quite happy to put up with Uber so long as their low-cost trips are protected. Our principal city is not always a principled city.

BUT at least its mayor, that high-speed mumbler Sadiq Khan, is doing the right thing. In a radio interview he was asked if he was prepared to meet Uber with a view to settling the crisis. It sounds all sweetness and light, doesn't it? What could be more innocent than a cosy chat and a cuppa around the table? Think of it another way. Imagine if lawyers acting for someone convicted at Crown Court were suggesting a cuppa with the Appeal Court judge. Not such a good idea, is it? Khan knows how easily little chats can turn into hard-core lobbying. The further he stays away from the Uber row, the better.

THE world is rapidly filling with consumer items we can do perfectly well without. You know the sort of thing: the selfie toaster that burns an image of your face on to bread, the loo-roll holder that tells your smartphone when it's running out of paper, the hairbrush that tells you whether you're brushing correctly, and so on. The environmentalist and writer George Monbiot compares this mania for gizmos with the worst excesses of the Roman Empire: "Urge, splurge, purge: we are sucked into a cycle of compulsion followed by consumption, followed by the periodic detoxing of ourselves or our homes, like Romans making themselves sick after eating, so that we can cram more in." Precisely. Now, stand by for a call from your loo roll.

MY eye was caught this week by a court report which began: "An elderly motorist who had never had a driving licence drove at 100mph." In this case the "elderly" accused turns out to be 63. A lot of 63-year-olds regard themselves as spring chickens and resent being branded with the E-word. When does middle-age end and elderly begin? Over to you.