Peter Rhodes: Return of the woolly mammoth

OUR changing language. Scientists are working on recreating a woolly mammoth using DNA from long-dead mammoths mixed with genes from modern elephants. The process has been described as "de-extincting."

HOWEVER, reading between the lines, the gene-splicing process may not produce quite what we are hoping for. Scientists warn that the first woolly mammoth out of the laboratory may not be very woolly, or even particularly mammoth.

WHICH reminds me of yet another bonkers marketing slogan of our time. With jolly disregard for the English language, my local DIY shop is offering "mini jumbo" paint rollers.

BUT for sheer over-the-top marketing, this time in the hunt for recruits, can anything rival the advert a few days ago informing us that the company seeking staff: "offers a multitude of workplace services including technical operations and energy services, while utilising global strategic partners to support the overall delivery of integrated facilities management." A reader writes: "If you can understand this, do you get the job?"

THIS is what His Serene Magnificence Tony Blair says about Britain voting to leave the EU: "The people voted without knowledge of the true terms of Brexit. As these terms become clear, it is their right to change their mind." Now, apply those same words to the 1975 referendum when Britain voted to stay in the Common Market. Back then, we certainly voted without knowledge of the true terms. We thought we were joining a free-trade area but were gradually swallowed into an undemocratic and unaccountable superstate. We had the right to change our mind and in last year's referendum we did so. The difference between the 1975 and 2016 referendums is that in 1975 we had no idea what the EU would become. Now we know exactly what it's about. So thanks for the advice, Tony, now shove off. Aren't you supposed to be bringing peace to the Middle East or something?

THANKS for your emails on doomed dates, several of which involve problems with trouser zips. From an excruciating postbag, I like this yarn of "a school friend" (It's never us, is it?) who sat down in the cinema with his girlfriend and noticed to his horror that his flies were open. He devised a cunning plan. As new patrons arrived, he stood to let them pass and, in one swift movement, zipped up. All would have gone well if he hadn't caught the pony tail of the lady sitting in front of him in the zip. Loud scream. Chucked out of cinema. No second date.

MORE issues with English. A Radio 4 reporter solemnly informed us that the disabled former boxer Michael Watson was the victim of an attempted robbery in which he was sprayed with something called "armonia." That's what you get for employing arts graduates. Or maybe the problem is that ammonia, once a common cleanser, is no longer found in most homes, so we have forgotten how to pronounce it. Perhaps young broadcasters should have elocution lessons and recite the following: "Our Monica uses ammonia to clean her harmonica and harmonium."

HARMONIUM? Ena Sharples used to play one. Ena Sharples? You know, some days I feel I'm writing in the wrong millennium.