Peter Rhodes: Merry Christmas readers and keep on writing

Every day, I receive letters, cards and emails bristling with wit, inventiveness and trivia, plus one or two stinkers. Here are some of the best of those items from 2016 which began with: "A reader writes..."

A READER writes: "I don't know anybody who looks like John Major, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown or David Cameron. So why do I know loads of people who look like Jeremy Corbyn?"

"ONLY by banning the sale of ready-shredded cheese can we make Britain grate again."

"I FOLLOWED a car on the M5 today and thought its radiator had blown. Turned out the driver was smoking one of those vapour cigs."

"HOW about Father Christmas? Is he for Brexit?" Maybe we should all write him a letter."

"MY daughter tells me that whenever she saw a woman put on a hat she thought the hatpin went straight through her head."

"I WAS sad to read your report on the death of the man who invented predictive text. After the funeral, will he be created or burped?"

"WHEN my wife was having our first baby in 1980 she was advised by the health visitor to drink a bottle of Mackeson a day She didn't like the taste. Thankfully, I did."

"IF any vegan or vegetarian sends me their unwanted £5 notes (containing tallow), I will ensure they are disposed of humanely."

"IN the great scheme of things, are the US presidential elections and the poppy row with Fifa more or less momentous than Toblerone re-designing its chocolate bar?"

"WHEN did the fashion industry decide to stitch padded jackets and bodywarmers into horizontal tubes? We are quite lardy enough without dressing up as the Michelin Man."

"I SAW a recipe published in a glossy mag for slow-roast belly pork using 'pork with the bone in' Since when have pigs had belly bones?"

"HOW much further must the pound fall before the penny drops?"

"MR Rhodes, you sir have all the enlightened and sophisticated opinions of an over-indulged, ill-informed two-year-old from a degenerate family of inter-bred aristocrats, having a tantrum."

"MY son and daughter-in-law are off to America, exploring Route 66. What's wrong with the A4124?"

"LOVED your article on Internet buying. I have sold a couple of homing pigeons on eBay. So far I have made £160."

"IS shooting down a drone a criminal offence?"

"PAUSE and think about Chinese investment in the Hinkley Point C nuclear power station. I bought a Chinese kettle and after five days it broke."

"AROUND here we get women putting the rubbish out in their pyjamas, at midday. Recently in Telford I saw a woman mowing the lawn while wearing pyjamas."

"WHEN it's colder in the house than it is outside, it's a baked Alaska day."

"No it isn't. It's outclement."