Peter Rhodes: Knowing your female

PITCH-black at 5pm and six hours until it's bedtime. GMT: there must be a better way.

THE agony of America goes on, climaxing next week in a presidential election that no-one could have predicted and historians will never understand. Three hundred million mostly honest, law-abiding and surprisingly God-fearing people are forced to choose between two dodgy deadbeats.

AND the ultimate American question goes unanswered. How has a progressive, democratic nation with such massive divisions between rich and poor, and such an overwhelming sense of natural justice, never created a Labour party? Untainted by even a dream of socialism, the US proletariat watches as the billionaires battle it out.

OUR changing language. As Anastacia was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1) she declared of the show: "It was a place for me to get to know my female." Of course it was, dear lady.

THE Vatican is run by urbane, educated men. The young priests you see striding around Rome in their smart robes and sunglasses are as modern and worldly-wise as any City trader. So how can anyone reconcile this 21st century awareness with the Church's latest pronouncement on cremation which sounds like something dreamed up by a jungle shaman? Ashes must be stored in sacred places, not in the home. There must be no division or scattering of ashes. Anyone requesting such a ceremony faces excommunication. And all this, we are told, to keep the truth faith untainted by pagan or New age beliefs. No matter what the religion, the golden rule is always the same: Verily, you must obey our nonsense, not anybody else's nonsense.

A READER who is a lawyer specialising in traffic law alleges that some English police forces are routinely issuing notices of intended prosecution to motorists accused of driving offences far too late. The general rule, clearly laid out in the Government's gov.uk website, is simple: "If you weren't stopped by the police for the speeding offence (eg it was caught by speed camera), the vehicle's registered keeper must be sent a notice of intended prosecution within 14 days." The lawyer claims one of his clients received the notice four months after the alleged speeding offence. He believes that such a practice is an abuse of process. But isn't it more than that? If a constabulary is routinely sending out large numbers of these notices, knowing they are legally invalid but hoping the motorists will simply pay up, it could only be done with the knowledge and approval of senior officers. And that is exactly the sort of issue the local Police and Crime Commissioner should be investigating. Because if you ignore the little dodges, bigger dodges will follow.

FUNNY how things pass into telly-folklore. The Sunday Times is the latest publication to repeat the old assertion that BBC's 1995 production of Pride & Prejudice "famously featured Colin Firth as Mr Darcy climbing out of a lake." No, it doesn't. There is no such scene. Similarly, it is passing into common belief that Elizabeth says "no" three times to Ross in the infamous "rape" scene in Poldark (BBC1). Quite untrue. The entire episode is still available on BBC iPlayer. Have a look at it. You will find that the word "no" appears nowhere.