Peter Rhodes: Why the Poldark 'rape' row was a masterpiece in media manipulation

SCIENTISTS report that repeatedly heading a football can seriously affect brain activity. For the past 20 years, we have lived close to a Sunday league pitch. I cannot recall seeing or hearing any sign of any sort of brain activity.

OUT with the lawnmower for what ought to be the last cut of the year. But nothing is guaranteed any more. As the seasons change, you are quite likely to winter-grease your mower and stow it at the back of the shed this week, only to wake up next week to a balmy zephyr from north Africa and the sight of your grass growing again.

IF the word "zephyr" has you thinking "Ford," you are definitely of a certain age.

DAMMIT. The starlings have flown off before I got a chance to play them. Strung along the telephone cables, they looked like crotchets on a sheet of music. I wonder what they would have sounded like.

I AM not in the business of defending Boris Johnson but the mop-headed Brexiteer took some unfair flak when it emerged he had written a column in favour of staying in the EU. Johnson admits his views switched back and forth, and why not? I wrote a piece supporting Brexit in which I admitted that, for the sake of a quiet life, part of me wanted a Remain vote. It seems to me that the people most convinced we should have stayed in the EU are the ones who are absolutely obsessed with the economy. But surely this is an issue about more than money. It's about governing our own country, passing our own laws and choosing our own allies. We know it will be a huge and complex project and we accept there may be a cost. In strict financial terms, the people who blather endlessly about the economy have a point. But if you are utterly obsessed with money, in what sense are you British?

"WHY, Ross. What art thou doing in my bedchamber, and what is that? Hast thou a musket under thy cloak or art thou just pleased to see me?" "No, my proud Elizabeth. See, 'tis my handy travelling writing desk, my quill pen, my ink and my consent form for the carnal delights I am about to inflict upon you. Sign here, here and here."

THE manufactured row about the alleged rape scene in Poldark (BBC1) was a masterpiece in media manipulation. By creating the impression that this was a particularly ground-breaking or brutal scene, when it plainly wasn't, the BBC generated acres of free publicity posing as serious debate. Every celebrity who commented on it, every hack who produced a column, every radio-jock who passed an opinion before Sunday night's screening was helping to promote rough sex as entertainment and bumping up the ratings. Well done, Auntie. Exploitation doesn't begin to describe it.

PERSONALLY, I found the Poldark "rape" scene far less disturbing than Ed Balls's lift on Strictly. Where did his hands go?

NOT much on telly makes me laugh out loud but can anyone watch the singing dog on the Flash advert without smiling?