Peter Rhodes: Racism on Strictly Come dancing - who says?

CALL me an old cynic but surely the best way to prevent an anti-war demo being staged outside the Russian embassy is for Boris Johnson to suggest one.

MEANWHILE, our floppy-haired new Foreign Secretary is said to be warming to the idea of enforcing no-fly zones in Syria. If he is so eager to start the Third World War, shouldn't he at least wait until President Trump's unnaturally tiny thumb is on the nuclear button?

REPORTS this week claim that the loss of two black contestants from Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1) has "prompted accusations of racism on social media," It is bizarre how that phrase "on social media" gives some sort of authenticity to a story. In this age of brainless instant communication with no qualifications required and anonymous Tweeters, we should try replacing the words "on social media" with "by a bunch of nobodies."

LET me share a secret about writing and growing old. When a columnist refers to his great age, he does not want you to take him (or her) seriously. He wants you to slap him on the back joshingly and assure him that, blimey, he could pass for a man 20 years younger. After a while, you notice there is no longer any back-slapping. Nobody contradicts you. You deliver the "old bloke" line expecting a supportive giggle and there is an awful moment of tumbleweeds and people avoiding eye-contact. In a weekend column Jeremy Clarkson refers to "old people like me." Have you seen him lately – in the Amazon Fire ads for example? A life of stress, strife and chain-smoking has left the Top Gear star looking like an old man with an assortment of flobbery wattles and several chins. Jeremy Clarkson is just 56 but could pass for 20 years older, and when he writes "old people like me," the nation nods in sad agreement. Shape up, Jezza.

CONFUSION on the high sea. It is 5.20am and you are the junior duty officer on a ship making its way up the Channel. The Shipping Forecast begins on Radio 4. With your pencil and notebook poised to take a summary for the skipper, you discover that the Met Office has done that rare thing of splitting up two of the sea areas (this actually happened a few days ago). Thus, south North Utsire is lumped in with north South Utsire while north North Utsire is getting the same weather as Viking, and south South Utsire is experiencing much the same as Forties. Confused? Five minutes later the captain asks you what was on the Shipping Forecast. You tell him your pencil's broken.

IF YOU have a fuel-burning device for warming your home such as an open fire, gas heater, multifuel stove or a Samsung Galaxy Note 7, you should also have a carbon-monoxide detector like the one I bought this week. Buying it is the easy part. The instructions tell you to install it at least 1.5 metres off the floor but no closer than 0.3 metres to the ceiling and at least 1.5 metres from a corner. It must not be put next to a window or door, behind furniture, above a heater, close to an open flame, in an enclosed area or anywhere warm, cool, moist or dusty. Which pretty much rules out every inch of Chateau Rhodes. I may buy a canary in a cage.