Peter Rhodes: The judge and the ****

IT is illiberal, misguided and stunningly un-French for three French resorts to ban burkinis from the beach. I would defend the right of Muslim women to wear whatever they wish, up to and including the burka, in the streets and all public places. If they feel the need to be fully covered while swimming or masked in parks, what right has anyone to intervene?

BUT the workplace is different. According to the latest Commons report on equal opportunities, some Muslim women feel obliged to remove their hijab headscarves in order to find employment. Maria Miller, the Tory MP chairing the equality committee says: "Muslim women can choose to dress in the way that they want, in the same way that other women can, and shouldn't have to suffer discrimination as a result of it."

BUT the key words here are "in the same way that other women can." In many offices, "other women" (and other blokes) are certainly not allowed to wear whatever they choose. Many firms have dress codes and in demanding the right to wear the hijab, Muslim women are not asking for equality but for special treatment. The hijab is a symbol of a Muslim woman's privacy and modesty and like all religious symbols it serves to separate believers from unbelievers. Not all firms are at ease with employees expressing their religious or political identity. Whatever goes on in the streets and beaches, most of us understand why some bosses would prefer all religious or political trappings to be left in the cloakroom. That's not institutional racism. It is institutional common sense.

OWN up. Did you not punch the air with joy at the report of an English judge subjecting a thuggish defendant to a taste of his own foul language? "You're a bit of a ****," John Hennigan told Judge Patricia Lynch at Chelmsford Crown Court. "You are a bit of a **** yourself," replied the judge. "Go **** yourself!" exclaimed Hennigan. "You, too," responded the judge. So far, so good. A fat slob who racially abused a woman and her children gets sent down with some Anglo-Saxon language ringing in his ears. And then someone complained. They always do, don't they? In this case an unspecified number of complaints has been made to the Judicial Conduct Investigations Office. Judge Lynch may be disciplined. And that will satisfy the sort of silly, dangerous people who believe that justice is never fully served until a villain is exonerated and a law enforcer is punished. There is a word for such people but I'm running out of asterisks.

LAST week's big question was whether elephants have souls. This week, it is much closer to home. In what must be a bumper year, what are we expected to do with all these vegetable marrows? The country is vanishing under a mountain of marrows and their slimmer, posher cousins, courgettes. A bloke at our local allotments recommends making marrow rum, a process which involves one marrow, a huge amount of sugar, a pinch of yeast and a pair of nylon tights. If you believe the blogosphere, marrow rum keeps the brain functioning perfectly while removing all control of the legs.

I TAKE the same view of allotments that I do of steam railways and vintage cars. I'm always glad that other people are looking after them.