Peter Rhodes: A bum shot

GOOD to see The Musketeers (BBC2) reviving one of the oldest movie routines, the clinking-bullet gambit. This is the one that says no matter how gravely wounded a gunshot victim is, whatever the likely organ damage, shattered bones or risk of gangrene, if you can only dig out the bullet he will survive. Ideally, the surgery should be performed with an old dagger passed through a flame and the wounded man must grimace in agony. But the absolutely crucial ingredient is that the bullet must be dropped, preferably on to a tin plate, and make a satisfying "clink!" The bullet duly clinked in The Musketeers and the wounded villain Grimaud (Matthew McNulty) was right as ninepence in no time.

THE clinking-bullet routine must puzzle all those old soldiers of the last war who are still walking around with bullets, shell splinters and bits of shrapnel inside them that the army medics considered far too dangerous to remove.

"RIGHT as ninepence"? I have absolutely no idea where the expression comes from but, at current rates of exchange, ninepence is worth about 0.12 US dollars, if you're lucky.

OH, the wittering goes on and on from the bad losers of the Bremain tendency, especially those north of the border. I am reminded of P G Wodehouse's famous observation: "It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine."

AND have you noticed that the people telling us that Britain is a financially ruined, socially divided, disintegrating, racist-ridden, xenophobic island which is going to hell in a handcart after the EU referendum are precisely the same people who were telling us that Britain was a financially ruined, socially divided, disintegrating, racist-ridden, xenophobic island which was going to hell in a handcart before the EU referendum?

I BELIEVE in free speech but there must be limits. A Bremain reader accuses me of being a member of a golf club. Oh, vile calumny.

SO are we all snapping away in the hope of getting that perfect nature photograph to win this year's Countryfile (BBC1) calendar competition? Not as easy as it looks, is it? I lined up the classic profile of a young squirrel on our garden wall. In the nano-second between pressing the button and the shutter opening, the wretched creature turned through 90 degrees, exposing his backside to public gaze. Sorry about that, John Craven.

A LETTER to me from BT announces: "We've got some great offers waiting for you." Go to their website and a banner declares "Save £48/yr." Does this not sound to most reasonable people like an offer which will save you £48 a year? I wonder how many customers signed up immediately to a new 18-month contract. But if you study the small print the "Save £48" does not refer to what you are paying already. As BT puts it:"Saving is based on the current non offer price of £32.50 a month. 18 month contract." In fact, obtaining the new offer would cost me about £50 a year more than my present contract. Lies, damned lies and BT offers.

INCIDENTALLY, the BT "offer" is based on broadband speeds of "up to 76MB." And we all know what that means, don't we?