Peter Rhodes: Wanted soon – a new passport

"WE, the undersigned, request a second EU Referendum. This is because we consider the percentage of people voting and the winning margin are far too small, and certainly not because we are bad losers. Signed: Sulky McSulkface, Pouty McPoutface, Blubby McBlubface, Moany McMoanface and three million others."

SOME of the bruised, bewildered Remainers are trying to convince themselves that only racists, xenophobes and village idiots voted Leave. But one young woman interviewed at Glastonbury pointed out that older people had experience of living both within the EU and outside it, so maybe the kids should listen to them. A rare moment of grace in a generally nasty campaign.

ON Any Answers (Radio 4) a lady said she had signed the petition for a second referendum because of the "lies" of the Leave campaign. People like her presumably want the sort of campaign where everyone tells the absolute truth. But most grown-ups know that politicians occasionally tell whoppers, that "election promise" is another word for a whopper and that words written in large letters on the side of red or blue buses during a political campaign ("Things Can Only Get Better," etc) are unlikely to be 100 per cent gospel. It is not entirely true, as Leave claimed, that the UK gives £350 million a week to the EU. But is that any more or less true than the Remain claim that Britain would be "stronger, safer and better-off" within the EU? The first is tinkering with figures, the second is crystal-ball wishful thinking. Both, like all campaign claims, should be taken with a fistful of salt.

ONE thing is certain. If there is no visible progress towards separation in the next few weeks, the millions who voted Leave will become deeply suspicious that some deal is being done and they are about to be sold down the river. It might be a good idea to launch a competition for the design of the post-Brexit British passport. Big, dark blue, royal crest. That sort of thing.

ANYONE else get that moment of deep foreboding in the voting booth when you panic and suddenly think you're about to put the cross in the wrong box? I call it the urinal moment, a term understood by all blokes who, at some stage, have found themselves in a public loo, suddenly wondering whether they really should be performing this particular function into that particular receptacle. Pause for thought. Carry on.

I WAS in a public loo last week and the bloke sharing the urinal had brought something into the place with him. His bicycle. When did that become socially acceptable?

IN the old days, people described an unlikely or impossible act as "like taking coals to Newcastle." Later, it was overtaken by "like selling fridges to Eskimos." Today a 20-year-old British man is in jail in Nevada on suspicion of trying to grab a police officer's gun with the intention of killing Donald Trump. We may send coals to Newcastle and fridges to Greenland but I never thought I'd see the day when Britain exported gun-crazed would-be assassins to America.

MEMO to Westminster. Can we please have a moratorium on politicians promising to listen more to the people? Thanks.