Peter Rhodes: When you're cleaning what, ma'am?

I HAD an email from a reader who knew for a fact (i.e. a bloke in the pub told him) that David Cameron was going to engineer a Sterling currency crisis in the first week of June, to scare us into voting Remain in the EU referendum. In truth, the Cameron plot is even darker and wickeder. The PM has clearly engineered a weather crisis, arranging for waves of warm continental air to come slithering in from Europe, bathing us in a most un-English hot June. Subliminal message: stay in Europe and the weather will get better. Is there no end to their Machiavellian machinations?

A SWARM of bees suddenly appeared in a planter in the main street of Beer and was quickly rounded up by a man in a mask with a smoke machine. It is oddly reassuring to know that wherever you go in England, you're never far from a beekeeper.

AT Lyme Regis a massive new sea wall snakes along the coast towards Charmouth, showing what you can do with £50 million and a big dollop of political will. At Lyme, the authorities decided to make a stand against the forces of nature and global warming to prevent the old town slipping into the sea. In parts of Suffolk and Norfolk, in contrast, they are chucking in the towel and allowing the tides to wash in, flooding meadows and demolishing homes. "Unfair" doesn't begin to describe it.

A MUCH older sea barrage, Lyme's famous Cobb, bears a crumbling plaque to the Royal Engineers officer who rebuilt it in 1792. He was doubtless a local hero in the days when young Jane Austen came a-visiting, her head swimming with romantic plots and dashing heroes in need of names. The army officer who rebuilt the Cobb was one Captain D'Arcy. Nice name – now, what to do with it . . . ?

THE local council's campaign to save the corky fruited water dropwort (really) and other roadside plants by not spraying pesticide is turning out to be a mixed blessing. In nearby Seaton the pavements are overgrown with weeds. Saving the dropwort is all very well but the town looks grubby and neglected.

WEIRDEST sight so far, in an isolated corner of a parish cemetery in Devon, was a pile of rubble topped with half a human skull. Grave robbing? Black-magic rituals? The only explanations that don't make the flesh creep are landslip and badgers.

"IT is morally vital that there is no increase in the number of animals that suffer at human hands," opined one radio pundit in a debate on growing human transplant organs in pigs. In other words, if we use one pig for spare parts, we must ensure another pig is not slaughtered for pies. Careers for the 21st century: ethical pig counter.

RESEARCH by Radio 2 suggested that the Queen loves to sing and is word-perfect with the songs of George Formby. Since reading this, I have been unable to get rid of the mental image of Her Majesty as a young mother, soaping her children on bath night while adopting a daft Lancashire accent and belting out: "When I'm cleaning Windsors."