Peter Rhodes: Ring that bell

A VAST amount of intricate research has gone into this week's announcement that the anti-malaria drug Lariam, associated with mental side-effects, should be a "drug of last resort" for British armed forces. Maybe they should simply have listened to the soldiers. When the drug was administered to one unit, the squaddies recalled the day as "Mad Monday."

A PRIMARY school in Milton Keynes has decided that a whistle blast to signal that play time is over is "too aggressive." Instead, a teacher now raises a non-threatening hand. But why a whistle in the first place? Whatever happened to the solid, reliable school hand bell?

IN any case, it hardly matters whether the summons is by bell, whistle, raised hand or human shout. All have the power to chill if you haven't done last night's homework and your excuses are running thin and implausible. (How many exercise books can a non-existent dog eat?). I recall our Latin master with much fondness. Alone of all our teachers, he never questioned even the most far-fetched homework excuse. He seemed amused at my inventiveness. As he handed out the inevitable punishment, he cheerfully rejigged the old Latin adage to announce: "All Rhodes lead to detention."

CARDINAL Kurt Koch (seriously) is head of ecumenical affairs at the Vatican and is a man with a mission. He says Christians have a duty to convert non-Christian people, including Islamic jihadists, in the Middle East. A new Crusade, perhaps? This has all the makings of a Koch-up.

AS is so often the case, life imitates Brian. There is a scene in Monty Python's Life of Brian when a bunch of soothsayers are vying for the attention of passers-by with their prophecies. One unusually precise soothsayer, speaking in a strong Ulster accent, declares that: "For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine." I am reminded of him as the Remain lobby assure us with great precision that if we leave the EU the average cost of a family's shopping will rise by exactly £220 while GDP will drop by precisely 3.6 per cent and 820,000 jobs – not 800,000 or 850,000 - will be lost. Coming soon: the Brexit plague of 1,999,997 locusts.

THE most sensible comment I've seen on this EU issue came in a short letter to the Daily Telegraph when a reader pointed out that Brexit voters are only after normality. As a rule, nations run their own affairs. Being run by a group of nations is abnormal. We've tried being abnormal for more than 40 years and haven't really enjoyed it. Brexiters are not traitors. They just crave normality.

KIDNEY function fine. Blood-sugar level fine. Cholesterol fine. Body-mass index fine. Blood pressure okay. I know all this because I am one of those fortunate Brits who was diagnosed years ago with moderate hypertension. We are the ones who get six-monthly blood-pressure checks and an annual blood test and review. Not wishing to tempt fate, I wonder whether you're safer having hypertension and getting the check-ups than having perfect blood pressure and getting no check-ups.

PEDANT corner. I am quite aware that "check ups" should probably be "checks up" but it looks plain stupid.