Peter Rhodes: Where were you when we needed you?

IN a column for the Guardian, Chris Bryant declares on the EU issue that "I have not a shadow of a doubt that William Shakespeare would have voted to remain." This is all getting a bit silly, isn't it? How long before we are asked to consider whether Jesus would have been pro or anti-Brexit?

PRESIDENT Obama says America is entitled to oppose Britain leaving the EU because of the American lives sacrificed for Europe in two world wars. Very stirring. But if we're playing the history card, remember that if the United States had not faffed around for three years before entering the First World War, that conflict would have ended sooner, there would have been no Second World War and the war dead of the 20th century might have been counted in thousands rather than tens of millions. It's all very well for Americans to proclaim their interest in Europe in 2016 but where were they in 1916?

I AM preparing for an important birthday. Three things tell me it is significant. Firstly, I've had the letter from the pension people. Secondly, I was invited for the NHS aneurysm screening. Thirdly, Viking River Cruises have got my address.

I LOST count of how many times, during the Queen's 90th birthday celebration, we were assured that blazing beacons were "an important form of communication" in ye olden days. I doubt it. The only accurate message you can send with a beacon is: "I've just set fire to this beacon."

AS part of its crackdown on global corruption, the Government is proposing "unexplained wealth orders." These would require people suspected of money laundering to account in full for their wealth. So far, so good. But for the sake of fairness, we also need "unexplained poverty orders". These would require any politician earning £150,000 a year who has a £1 million pension pot and is leader of the Labour Party to explain why he looks like a tramp.

OUR cat changes at this time of year. Like a tabby chrysalis, he unfolds from the top of the central-heating stove where he has snoozed away the winter months, to emerge fit, lean and fearless. The predator is back. He bounced into the house having had a wonderful time in the meadows, which means a rabbit or two had had a much less wonderful time. And then he froze. His ears shot back in alarm. He did a double-take. The living room, the heart of his domain, was bare. Every stick of furniture had gone. The landmarks in his life, the place to snooze, the place to jump on to the mantelpiece, had vanished. I never saw a cat so lost. You could almost see the courage draining out of him. We were having the floor sanded and re-varnished, hence the room-emptying. Cats can handle most things but they don't like change, do they?

HAVE you noticed how much of our daily life could have been scripted by the late, great Victoria Wood? A reader reports trying to order the All-Day Breakfast advertised in a cafe, only to be told: "We don't serve it after midday." If you have any similar Woodisms, do let me know.

WE thought of Victoria Wood some years ago on a trip to Menorca when the coach guide was a middle-aged lady with the unfortunate habit of adding "so that's nice" to every observation she made as we crossed the island. And over there is a typical Menorcan windmill, so that's nice. And over here is the abbatoir, so that's nice.