Peter Rhodes: Coming soon – the DNA map

HERE'S a prediction for the 21st century. Before long, in the endless, unchallenged quest to know everything about everything, geneticists will unveil the first DNA map of the entire UK population. Our family trees will be unveiled in vast strands stretching back many generations and, for the first time, we will know exactly who is related to whom. And, boy will there be some surprises. If it can happen to the Archbishop of Canterbury . . .

MR Kipling proudly promotes his latest Cherry Bakewells as "hand finished." Presumably by people wearing blindfolds. I have yet to find a dead-centre cherry.

MUCH of the publicity for Durrells (ITV) refers to Mrs Durrell as a single mother. It's a term she would never had heard in the 1930s and it carries all sorts of modern baggage about feckless dads, abandoned females and so on. Why not call her what she would have called herself? Louisa Dixie Durrell was a widow.

FIRST, George Mason University in Virginia said its law school would be named the Antonin Scalia School of Law. Next came an announcement that it would be known as the Antonin Scalia Law School. Why the change? Because a few sharp-eyed folk had noticed that the abbreviation of Antonin Scalia School of Law would be an embarrassment. How strange that an American university should be so puritanical about ASSoL when half the American nation seems quite relaxed about having a head of state called Trump.

THE march of progress. A friend has acquired a brand-new limo. It has an amazing onboard computer with a screen next to the steering wheel. Drive with a light foot and the electronic display awards you little green petals as a reward for fuel economy. But the best bit is the driver-alert program which senses whether you are nodding off at the wheel and displays the risk in a series of red lights leading to a little image of a hot cup of coffee. Human nature being what it is, who can resist provoking it? It's like playing a fruit machine. Let the car drift toward the kerb and then suddenly correct your steering, and one red light flashes. Do it again and the second light appears. Eventually, you trick the computer into thinking you're dozing and up flashes the full "take a break" warning complete with coffee logo. It goes without saying that you can't watch this high-tech aid to road safety without taking your eyes off the road. A survey last week revealed that 57 per cent of drivers admit being distracted by technology in their vehicles, causing 1.4 million drivers to swerve to avoid a vehicle and 1.25 million to drive through a red light. I'm not in the least surprised. Er, left a bit . . .

THE snag with computers is that you have to be like a computer to use them. At the weekend I tried to buy some widget from an online store I had used two years ago. But I couldn't buy the goods as a new customer because the store's computer recognised me as an existing customer. And I couldn't buy the goods as an existing customer because I couldn't remember the password I had used two years ago. I ended up doing the deal using a stone-age BT landline and a prehistoric credit card, and talking to a real person. I will write a thank-you letter as soon as I find my quill.