Peter Rhodes: Taking tea with terrorists

HEADLINE from the Daily Telegraph: "Road chaos feared on Good Friday." Think back. Has there ever been a Good Friday when road chaos was not feared?

BRITISH Army snipers are reported to be using "invisibility cloaks," to make them harder to spot on the battlefield. American scientists are working on an even more advanced system, based on the processes used by octopus, to make soldiers vanish entirely. Didn't it used to be called Awol?

AS Ireland marks the 100th anniversary of the Easter Rising, some things have not changed. As the Brits discovered back then, it doesn't really matter that only a few hundred guerillas are prepared to take up arms. What matters is how much support they have. How many quiet, seemingly law-abiding Irish folk would never have contemplated joining the IRA but would never have dreamed of betraying "the Boys" either? As the arrest of Salah Abdeslam in Brussels and its aftermath were captured on TV a few days ago, did you find yourself looking at the crowds of young Muslims in hoodies in Molenbeek and wonder whose side they are on? Four days later, the bombers struck.

HOW to deal with terrorists? Christine Shawcroft, a member of Labour's national executive, says we should have a cup of tea with Islamic State leaders instead of bombing them. When her comments become public, she insisted they were "jocular." So here's the joke in full. Speaking at a Labour First meeting, she imagined a voter suggesting that Jeremy Corbyn would take tea with terrorists instead of fighting them. And here's the "jocular" punchline. Shawcroft said: "Now I mean, you know, maybe we should try it!" Don't give up the day job, eh?

TWO hundred miles up in the International Space Station, Tim Peake poses with two apples and two oranges suspended in mid-air. Come off it, Major Tim. Anyone can do that trick in weightlessness. At this rate you'll be a juggler at about the same time as Christine Shawcroft becomes a stand-up comedian.

THINGS misheard. One reader recalls her daughter asking for "bicker-bonnet" for a recipe at school. Turned out to be bicarbonate of soda. Another remembers a child singing The Wombles with the line: "The Wombles all withered and common are we."

HOW the energy industry works. A reader sends me a letter from his electricity company explaining how they have transferred him to a cheaper tariff - followed by an email explaining they are charging him a £60 exit fee for leaving the old tariff. He calls it "a farce," but nobody's laughing.

HOW to find the ceiling joists in your house (from the instructions for my latest imported DIY project): "The roof is supported by the timber from this wall to that wall and the joists usually plumb and bestrided the whole roof."

AND when the job is finished, the instructions advise: "Please clean it with the soppy towel."

RESEARCH by the Royal College of Music suggests that playing the drums in group sessions can help reduce the players' depression and anxiety. And what of the mental wellbeing of the people next door . . ?