Peter Rhodes: Watch those exclamation marks!

I TOLD the tale recently of a reader whose father-in-law claimed to have had a sirloin drip in hospital. Another reader asks: "Are you sure? Might it have been a saline trip?"

SHOCK, horror! The Daily Mail reveals that when the debate on gay marriage began, the Queen was against it. So how many 88-year-old people were in favour of it?

DAMMIT. I have squandered a precious explanation mark in the above item. The use of exclamation marks in school work is being limited in the latest National Curriculum guidelines, and a good thing too. Exclamation marks exist mainly for vicars writing parish newsletters to make things seem more exciting and humorous than they actually are ("Mrs Ballsover's cupcakes were naughty but nice!" etc). The truth is that an exclamation mark, sometimes known as the screamer or shrieker, will never make a bad joke good or a dull incident lively. In my lecturing days I advised young journalists to ration themselves to one exclamation mark per year. That's quite enough! Oops.

JOURNALISTS have their own name for the exclamation mark. The irony is that you can't use it in a family newspaper.

I MUST have missed something in the report about a Scottish boy being stabbed to death in his school. The court heard that his 16-year-old killer frequently brought knives and other weapons into school and staff had spoken to him "once or twice." And that's it? Why did nobody tell the police that he was in possession of an offensive weapon and let the law take its course? A review has been launched to see "what lessons can be learned." I bet we can all think of one.

MONDAY: the government is useless. Tuesday: the government is corrupt. Wednesday: the government is guilty of genocide. Saturday: the government is the most benevolent, enlightened and progressive government in the history of the universe. Spot the tiny change in editorial line? That's what happened in Turkey when the army drenched protesters in tear gas and stormed into the offices of the country's biggest newspaper, Zaman where government lackeys are now writing the news. From time to time people ask why British newspapers carry so much bad news. The Turkish outrage is a reminder of the old adage: in countries where the news is good, the government is bad.

THE EU has made very little fuss about the Turkish state taking over the media. Maybe that's because many of the politicians who have risen to power within the EU are not exactly liberal democrats. They come from the hard-line Left or Right and see a free media ("the Anglo-Saxon press," as they sneeringly call it) as a major irritant, to be kept on a tight rein. There is no denying that the club we joined in 1973 has lost its shine.

AND it does seem to enjoy changing its name. First it was the European Economic Community , also known as the Common Market, then the European Community, then the European Union. How long before it is Greater Turkey?

A SUPERMARKET in Denmark has hit the headlines and won much praise for selling only produce that is past its sell-by date, thus "combatting food waste." I dare say we all know of shops that have been doing the same for years. So are they, too, fighting a heroic battle to save the planet? Or are they just mean?