Peter Rhodes: Homes without tables

MORE things misheard. A reader swears her father-in-law came out of hospital having had a sirloin drip.

IT is revealed that nearly 98 per cent of the civil servants working on the Government's much-vaunted "Northern Powerhouse" are based in Whitehall. No surprises there. It is a golden rule of politics that those who most loudly sing the praises of anywhere north of Watford choose to live and work in London.

NICE Tom, nasty Tom. Was anyone else switching between Dr Horne (ITV) and The Night Manager (BBC1) on Sunday night and catching that fine actor Tom Hollander giving us the good, honest doctor on ITV and the arms-dealer's weasely sidekick on BBC1? He's an incredibly versatile performer, probably best remembered as the downtrodden urban vicar Adam in the BBC comedy Rev.

JOHN Longworth was forced to resign as director of the British Chambers of Commerce for supporting Britain quitting the EU. This allegedly compromised the BCC's neutral stance on the issue. So what if Longworth had spoken in favour of staying in the EU? Do you suspect for a moment that anyone would have batted an eyelid? Of course not. If you support the EU you may shout it from the rooftops. If you say it's time to quit, wait for the knock at the door.

THE march of progress. Before long, according to reports this week, we will see the first trials of convoys of up to 10 driverless lorries on stretches of the M6. Will anyone notice the difference?

SCIENTISTS in Sheffield have calculated that the iceberg which sank Titanic was a 1.5 million-ton monster containing snow that fell 100,000 years ago. In other words it was a global treasure, a world heritage site cruelly damaged by a speeding ocean liner. Can you see where this is leading? The victimisation of icebergs by mankind is a stain on our history. Bring on the full public inquiry and the claims for compensation. If this doesn't end with David Cameron making a grovelling public apology to icebergs everywhere, my name's Nanook.

"FIND out how your 16-year-old is doing at school - buy a table," says the latest advert from Homebase. The furniture store says parents are strangers to their kids and the best solution is to have dinner together around a proper dining table. Good idea. Take it up with the planners, architects and builders who have given us thousands of so-called homes with no storage space and nowhere to put a table, let alone any chairs. The only time you'll have a civilised meal is when the kids leave home.

THE peaceful passing of Sister Evangelina (Pam Ferris) in Call the Midwife (BBC1) reminded me of the death of my grandmother who at 86 was bright, healthy and independent right to the end. Even as a hard-boiled atheist, I am still moved by the words of the Methodist minister at her funeral: "Alice made a pot of tea and, while waiting for it to brew, fell asleep and awoke in the presence of her Maker." The devil may have the best tunes but the clergy have all the great lines.

ACCORDING to his ex-wife Padma Lakshmi, the writer Salman Rushdie got very upset and needed consoling every year that he did not win the Nobel Prize for literature. I thought it was just me.