Peter Rhodes: The Xtremely Silly Files

THE revelation that Pope John Paul II had a long relationship with a married woman raises once again the troubled issue of celibacy in the Catholic Church. A Daily Telegraph reader says he knew of a village priest living in Czechoslovakia in the 1920s who employed an attractive housekeeper who had a young son: "Everybody knew who the father was and they all lived happily ever after."

I AM reminded of Dave Allen's tale of the handsome priest in an Irish village. All the locals called him Father except his own children who called him Uncle.

IF you think you live in a relatively gun-free society, think again. According to a report this week based on Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary figures, there are now more than 700,000 private gun owners in England and Wales and 1.8 million firearms - the most since records began. How in God's name was that allowed to happen?

THE new series of X-Files (C5)? Absolute tosh. It shouldn't be allowed to use the same name as the original series. This week's man-sized lizard was wearing the sort of silly party costume that hasn't met the minimum standard required by Doctor Who for at least 30 years.

HERE are today's headlines. Cameron says this, but Boris says that. Some business leaders say In but some others say Out. A Eurocrat in Brussels says Out will bring a plague of frogs and locusts on London, but somebody in Macclesfield says Out will reduce the price of yoghurt and improve our schools. Ye gods and little fishes, can you imagine this sort of stuff every single day from now until June 23?

AND spare us that guff about it being a "once in a lifetime" referendum. They said that about the Scottish poll yet barely had the No vote won the day than the Yes lot were claiming that the defeat was actually a victory and were clamouring for a second referendum.

DAVID Cameron urges us to "choose security, safety and certainty" and stay in the EU. Can anyone explain what level of security, safety and certainty you get in a club of 28 nations which, in the next few years, may be joined by Turkey, Serbia and Ukraine?

BORED stiff already with the referendum? Then how tempting it must be to opt for one of those apps on your smartphone which promises "the news that matters to you." What this means in practice is editing out all the day's news from your screen except for stories about fluffy puppies and videos of drunks crashing their cars in Russia. The lesson of history is that it's the news that you thought didn't matter that suddenly starts to matter. It may not matter to you that the RAF is bombing Raqqa. But when some bearded loonie with a machete is running amok in your shopping mall in revenge, it matters a lot.

SOME of you have spotted the time issues in Dickensian (BBC1). It is set just after the death of Marley, which means it is seven years before the events described in A Christmas Carol. Yet Tiny Tim is already alive and aged about eight. Seven years on, Tim will not be Tiny. He will be Teenager Tim.