Peter Rhodes: A huge free ad for suncream

ONE supermarket chain is reducing the price of oysters to just 25p each for Valentine's Day. If you've never tried them, it's best to do it before you hear the verdict of Frank Skinner (you may wish to stop reading at this point): "It's like licking phlegm off a tortoise."

TERRY Wogan was apparently turned down for a job in 1965 by the then BBC2 controller David Attenborough. It is a puzzle. But not as much a puzzle as why Attenborough, the world's greatest nature reporter with virtually no management experience, was appointed Controller in the first place, a job he held for seven years until he escaped back into the wild. The ultimate square peg in a round hole.

A 44-year-old stalker who pestered the One Show presenter Alex Jones turned up at court this week wearing a back-to-front baseball cap. He was served with a restraining order. Come to think of it, if every male over 40 who wears a baseball cap the wrong way around were held under house arrest, wouldn't the world be a happier place?

THE health watchdog NICE has issued a huge free advert for suncream. It tells us there is no such thing as a "healthy tan" and that we should not venture into the sun without slapping on eight teaspoons of cream that is at least factor 15. Fascinating. So where is the evidence that suncream prevents skin cancer? Most studies suggest that it offers limited protection, but only if you apply it so thickly that it looks like white paint. You'd be more comfortable, and more protected, if you wore a shirt and hat. There is some suspicion that suncream, by creating a sense of safety, actually encourages people to fry, and that some ingredients may even be toxic. To complicate the issue, NICE warns us that too little sunshine can cause vitamin D deficiency. So enjoy your holiday, between worrying about skin cancer and rickets. And lay off the booze, too. Holiday? What holiday?

MORE things we believed in childhood. A reader writes: "As a youngster who had to attend Sunday School, I could never understand how Jesus was born on December 25 and died at Easter but managed to become a man and perform countless miracles in three or four months."

AND a lady who grew up in the 1950s recalls: "I believed you got pregnant by sitting in the back row of the cinema. I turned down many dates as a consequence until I eventually found out the truth."

A READER raises an eyebrow at the Co-Op funeral TV ad. It shows the cortege passing over a canal bridge and fellow anglers removing their caps in memory of their mate. If they were such great mates, why weren't they at the funeral?

THE TV ad that makes me smile is the hugely expensive anniversary ad for Lloyds Bank featuring beautiful black horses ploughing the fields, hauling a life-boat, delivering milk, and going off to war, ending with the bank's slogan: "By your side for 250 years." By your side - or on your back?

THE Lloyds ad reminds me of the first time I was ever slapped by my mother, when I was four. Too idle to walk round the milk float to get to our house, I walked under the horse instead. The maternal hand descended and I have never walked under a horse since. Who says corporal punishment doesn't work?