Peter Rhodes: Sheffield - the promised land

LORD Lucan is formally pronounced dead and his title is inherited by his son George. Good luck with that. How long before he will be able to book a hotel room or a flight using his title and get a sensible answer? "Right-ho, Lord Lucan. So that's a room for you and shall I book a stable for Shergar?"

OH, the drama, the glamour, the butchery, the torture, the fancy costumes, the ambushing of trains and that death-or-glory charge on camels and horses through a blizzard of bullets to seize the port of Aqaba. We all know the rip-roaring and slightly camp Lawrence of Arabia legend, don't we? Apparently not. In its coverage of the sale of Lawrence memorabilia, the BBC website informed us: "Archaeologist Lawrence was a well known World War One diplomat who worked closely with Arab leaders." Oh, dear.

IN advance of the BBC2 documentary Cats v Dogs, Debora Robertson gushed in the Daily Telegraph: "With a cat, every gentle butt of a furry head against your chin, or sinewy figure of eight woven around your ankles is gratifying proof of love." No, it isn't. It is proof that there's chicken in the fridge.

YOU know how everyone says you should always get at least three estimates for any building job? Our old gutters needed replacing and I got quotes from six firms. The lowest was £550, the highest £1,300 and the others ranged from £650 to £1,100. The £1,300 contender pointed out that he used a far superior brand of screws. All very odd.

I WAS puzzled a few days ago to hear that the 300,000 lost-property items recovered from London trains and buses included several drum kits. A reader offers this explanation: "I think it was probably a parent fed up with the noise. A quick bus trip, hide the kit at the back, get off, go home, peace." Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

DID you hear the Lebanese spokesman on Radio 4 singing the praises of the UK work among Syrian refugees in Lebanon? We are not merely investing billions but providing education for thousands of kids. In time, when Syria is rebuilt as it surely will be, these kids will have fond memories of the help Britain gave them. This is a short-term humanitarian operation but a long-term investment in goodwill in a region where our nation, for deep historical reasons, is not always regarded with great affection. Made you proud to be British.

AND weren't you proud, too, after watching the excellent, but stupidly titled, Keeping up with the Khans (C4), following the life of asylum seekers in Sheffield? The indomitable optimism of young Omar from Sudan was dazzling. A municipal fountain in the city centre that you or I would barely notice was to him an object of wonder and beauty. He was bowled over by the airport, the girls, the shops, the cars and the opportunity to work in a clothes store as an unpaid intern. The problems of migration are enormous but it was good to see our wet little island through the eyes of someone who clearly believes it is the promised land.

AND I loved the moment when Omar, wanting to improve his language skills, asked his landlord if he knew of a city with a smaller immigrant population with, say, 80 per cent British all speaking English? "Benidorm," said the landlord.