Peter Rhodes: Want to stay in the EU? Then vote to leave

TRANSPORT for London (TfL) has issued its annual tally of lost property left behind on trains and buses. Umbrellas, wallets, laptops and other small things are among the 300,000 items. The real puzzle is finding several drum kits. How does anyone who boards a bus carrying a bass drum, snare drum, pedal, cymbal and a pair of tom-toms manage to leave without them? And what of his fellow travellers? As the drummer prepares to step off, does no-one say: "Oi, mate! Isn't that your drum kit?" It is all very puzzling.

THE TfL lost-property haul also includes 150 mobile phones per day. Good.

A FEW days ago I referred to the Gilbert & Sullivan song from the Mikado about letting the punishment fit the crime. A reader says it has stuck in his head and now, every time he passes the vandalised saplings near his home, he is reminded of the lyrics. The vandalised trees are birches. No prizes for guessing which punishment would fit that crime.

SPARE us, please, all the smoke and mirrors about red cards and emergency brakes. The plain truth is that after David Cameron's round-Europe handshaking tour, we are still locked in a community of 28 states with our laws dictated from Belgium, our borders beyond our control and our Parliament committed to "ever closer union" with a European superstate we never voted for. To be fair, Cameron did not have much in the way of ammunition. So let us give him more. If you want to stay in the EU but on terms which protect our independence, the only logical option is to vote "out" in the referendum. If Britain produces a 60 per cent majority in favour of quitting, we will suddenly have the unseasonally festive sight of Brussels talking turkey, and be offered a much better deal. It worked for the Irish with their second referendum over the Lisbon Treaty. It can work for us. And if Brussels refuses to budge and we have to quit, well, what the hell?

WOMEN have suffered badly from the reform of state pensions, especially those whose retirement date has been put back, in some cases by years. News reaches me of a lady whose pension date was originally April 2013 and is now March 2016. Even then, she will have to wait five extra days before the money is paid. Her husband asks: "When the new 12-sided £1 coin is issued, will we be able to use a spanner to prise them out of the Chancellor's hand?"

THANKS for your tales of woe about mixing up similar-looking tubes in the bathroom. Now the serious stuff. A worried reader tells me his wife is partially sighted and asthmatic. Her medicine for both conditions comes in similar ampoules. He says: "I have been writing to the manufacturers and the Care Quality Commission but no-one replies." I am not surprised. As a rule it takes a sudden, well-publicised death for anyone in authority to wake up, and start shifting the blame.

IF you believe some reports, viewers were shocked at the naked soldiers in the lake-bathing scene in War & Peace (BBC1). I suspect the biggest shock was the effect of freezing cold water on the male equipment. It can seriously shrivel your tolstoys.