Peter Rhodes: Love wristbands, hate ID cards

YET more memories of the days when the NHS cheerfully dispensed alcohol. A reader recalls a stay in hospital in the 1960s when he was 14. "The patient next to me asked a night nurse if she had any beer. The nurse said she had only Guinness and whisky. He didn't like what was on offer and asked the nurse to pass him a beer from a crate under his bed."

THIS week's prize for the most gratuitous use of a photo of Tuppence Middleton goes to the Your Money section of the Daily Telegraph. The luminously lovely star of the BBC's Tolstoy epic is used to illustrate a feature on how to help your children buy property. What possible connection can there be between 19th century Russia and 21st century mortgages? The caption explains: "Avoid your own War & Peace situation by ensuring transactions are legally sound." Shameless.

TRAVELLERS' tales. My item a few days ago on first impressions of Saudi Arabia, where everybody seemed to be scowling, reminds a reader of a journey he made from glum Moscow to the even glummer Russian city of MinVody. On the first trip he was met by a lady who picked him out of a long queue. How did she know who he was? She told him: "You were the only one smiling."

THE above tale is a reminder that the dopy, half-apologetic grin we Brits tend to adopt in foreign parts is as distinctive as a bowler hat. Many nations consider the proper facial expression in public to be a stern scowl. Some French, I regret to report, regard the English abroad as a nation of grinning idiots.

STILL on travel, a reader shares a gem of a platform announcement which he swears echoed across the concourse at Birmingham New Street. It works best in a Brummie accent: "Platform Six for the 16:33 to Northampton, calling at Marston Green (slight pause) and lots of other places."

ADVERTISING staff go into a school and ask children how clean they feel after wiping their bottoms on toilet tissue. Am I the only one who finds the AndrexTV ads weird?

THE "unacceptable" wristbands worn by asylum seekers to obtain meals at a hostel in Wales are to be replaced, possibly with photo-ID cards. Oh, the irony. Has no-one told these potential UK citizens that the Brits fought tooth and nail against the imposition of ID cards (the scheme was scrapped in 2010). Yet we have embraced the wristband as a national icon, cheerfully wearing them at rock festivals, all-inclusive hotels and to show our support for everything from gay pride to fighting cancer. ID cards, bad / wristbands, good. It's a Brit thing.

I HAVE just updated my driving licence online with the photo lifted, by the magic of the computer, from my passport. If you are about to do the same, I will not spoil the fun. But take my advice and set aside about an hour of your time. A magnifying glass, a large dose of valium and a suitable object to kick would be wise. Have your NI number, your driver number, your driving licence number and your passport number handy and be prepared for the online system to crash right at the end and to be sent back to the beginning.

HAVING completed the licence process, I am convinced that somewhere in Whitehall is a department whose sole aim is to drive the citizenry bonkers. Having devised such a system they then replicate it in Welsh, large print and braille. Come the revolution, brothers . . .