Peter Rhodes: Let the punishment fit the crime

THE Bishop of London suggests that bearded vicars may find it easier to "reach out" to Muslims. The snag, of course, is that a majority of new priests in the Anglican Church are female. A burka, perhaps?

WHY would a priest grow a beard in the first place? To look serious? To appear learned? I recall the words of the critic A A Gill who pointed out that facial hair can never be a substitute for thought.

I HAVE just spent an entertaining few minutes watching a "prank TV" team in America hunting down bicycle thieves. A bike is left unattended, tethered to a tree by 20 yards of strong, hidden cord. A succession of thieves grab the bike and cycle off as the owner yells: "Hey, that's my bike!" After 20 yards the cord goes "thwang!" and the thief flies over the handlebars. Hilarious. We don't have that sort of entertainment on British telly, probably because the human-rights lawyers would get involved. The Yanks seem to take the more robust view that anyone stealing a bike deserves a bloody nose. And if you've ever had your bike nicked, you probably agree.

UNLIKE most American viewers, I watched the bike thieves flying over the handlebars with a Gilbert & Sullivan favourite from the Mikado echoing in my head: "My object all sublime I shall achieve in time / To let the punishment fit the crime, The punishment fit the crime."

MY apologies. This item should have appeared some time ago, just after we had witnessed a moment of outstanding acting. It was the split-second when Rhoda (Liz White) peeled aside the blanket to see her Thalidomide-deformed baby in Call the Midwife (BBC1) for the first time. It was a perfect moment. No EastEnders hysterics, no Corrie shock-horror, just a beautifully-controlled moment of pure courage. If you missed it, see it on catch-up.

IGNORE the posturing, the flag-waving and the firm handshakes that are supposed to signify serious discussion. As David Cameron tries to get a better deal for Britain in the EU, only three little words matter: ever closer union. Those words, enshrined in the Treaty of Rome, put Britain on the long, slippery slope toward becoming no more than a collection of cantons in a European superstate. If Cameron cannot get those words scrapped, all the haggling about sovereignty, border control and benefits is mere flim-flam. And the plain fact is that the rest of Europe seems to have absolutely no interesting in changing the terms.

NEVER let the facts get in the way of a good headline. A feature on the Guardian website informs us that Bolivia's second-largest lake has dried up. The reporter carefully explains that the main causes are the regular El Nino weather phenomenon and the diversion of water by miners and farmers. Got it? Lake Poopo (seriously) has vanished because of El Nino, mining and farming. The headline declares that the lake is "Lost to climate change." Yeah, right.

ON a whim and feeling peckish, we dropped into a local pub for the £5.95 senior citizens' luncheon. It was the worst meal I had tasted for years, constructed from the cheapest, gristliest lumps of meat in salty brown water described as gravy. I seem to recall a time when OAPs were cherished, not exploited. Any more tales – good or bad – of catering for the elderly? (No free ads, thanks.)