Peter Rhodes: Anyone for sombreros?

SCRAPING ice off the car? Global warming must be over.

IF you believe the conspiracy theory that the 1969 moon landing was a hoax, staged in a hangar in the Nevada desert, what will you make of the European Space Agency's plan to build a village on the moon as a stepping stone to Mars? They're going to need a much bigger hangar.

CULTURAL appropriation is the modern sin of adopting things that belong to another culture. Thus, white people should not wear Mexican sombreros, Rastafarian dreadlocks or Apache feather headdresses. I may detect cultural appropriation in Jericho (ITV) the mini-series about navvies building a railway viaduct in Yorkshire in the 1870s. Britain's railways were built largely by Irish navvies yet there's not a single Irish accent in Jericho. Shovels that should rightly be wielded by lads from Cork and Kerry are being used by Yorkshiremen. If this isn't stopped they'll be wearing sombreros next.

INCIDENTALLY, was anyone else surprised how eagerly the widowed Hatty Laggan (Lucy Black) decided to be a hooker at the local brothel in Jericho? I know times were 'ard but to hop into bed with strangers seems a bit sudden, especially as there are still vacancies for barmaids at the pub. "Would my husband forgive me?" asks Hatty, weepily. No, chuck, he damn well wouldn't.

FAREWELL, Joe Gilmore, long-serving barman at London's Savoy hotel who recalled one curious request for a cocktail: "Give us something with a sting in it." A wasp, perhaps?

THE worldwide Anglican Communion has censured the US Episcopal Church over the issue of same-sex marriage. Behold, my prophecy is coming true. I wrote a piece more than 10 years ago about the inevitable schism that is coming. I predicted that one half of Anglicanism, led by gay-hating African bishops, would become the Church of Jesus Christ Eternal and Unchanging, with the accent firmly on hellfire for sinners. The other half, based in the West, would become the touchy-feely Church of Jesus Christ the Really Nice Bloke. It would abandon all those tiresome, fuddy-duddy rituals and scripture and concentrate simply on being nice to everybody and inclusive to all. The truly miraculous thing about praying for guidance to Jesus Christ the Really Nice Bloke is that His opinion is always exactly the same as your own. The perfect deity. Alleluia.

WEEKEND reports suggest a majority of Brits will vote to quit the EU in the promised referendum. But does anyone seriously believe that, even if Britain voted "out" by a 90 per cent majority, we would actually be able to quit? In its referendum in 2008, Ireland voted against the EU's Lisbon Treaty. Wrong answer. It was then offered a number of new guarantees and, in a second referendum the following year, voted yes. As far as Brussels is concerned, voting to leave the EU is merely part of the process of staying in. Which may explain why, despite all the assurances of fairness from Downing Street, there are absolutely no plans for Britain quitting.

THANKS for your tales of woe about upgrading from Windows 7 or 8 to Windows 10. The best thing about the program seems to be that you can bin it and switch back to your old, familiar set-up very quickly. A Daily Telegraph reader describes using Windows 10's Cortana "personal assistant" on his smartphone to solve the crossword clue "Handel's anthem." Cortana mis-heard his request as "Hello handsome," and generated the answer "Hello to you too."