Peter Rhodes: Back to sanity

I AWOKE, bleary-eyed and ears not entirely 100 per cent, to hear the radio presenter posing the flood-based question: "How do the ducks cope?" This was followed, puzzlingly, by a chap with a foreign accent talking about dams, dykes and polders. The Dutch, apparently.

THE art of understatement. As the floodwaters thundered window-deep through the Scottish town of Newton Stewart, Sky News asked for one local's opinion. "It is a wee bit disconcerting," she replied. Makes you proud to be British.

LET'S hope Radio Times comes up with a better method of ranking TV programmes in 2016 than it used in 2015. Its top 40 list for the year, based on the preferences of Radio Times critics, was bewildering. The triumphant Downton Abbey limped in at 37th, Peter Kay's brilliant Car Share at 34th and the thrilling Last Kingdom at a dismal 38th. Toward the top of the list, headed by the admittedly excellent Wolf Hall, we find the depressingly grubby tale of marital rancour Catastrophe at third, the deeply silly and disappointing Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell at eighth and that washed-up old space saga Doctor Who at seventh. Meanwhile the consistent excellence of Fargo didn't even get a mention. Bonkers.

SO is the panic over? Can we resume those jolly trips to our local A&E units for a quick coffee and a chat with our old mates? Fforgive the sarcasm but when NHS chiefs urge us not to go to A&E unless it is "absolutely necessary," do they imagine thousands of folk use the place as a social club? On the few occasions I have visited A&E, the place seemed full of folk in varying degrees of pain and distress who had suffered a serious mishap and, but for that misfortune, would rather be anywhere else.

START as you mean to go on. I celebrated the New Year by giving thanks that BT managed to fix the latest break in our landline in 24 hours rather than the traditional three days. When I use the term "fix," I mean the line will be fine unless something absolutely unexpected and totally unpredictable occurs, such as rain or wind. I watch BT's flashy adverts on the telly with gritted teeth. They bang on endlessly about their space-age technology but when it comes to landlines out here on the urban fringe, a set of 18th century semaphore flags would be more reliable.

TALKING of TV ads, how much are Compare the Market customers paying on their premiums to cover the cost of those ads featuring Nicole Kidman and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Millions, perhaps?

OWN up. How many of us, on hearing of the death of Lemmy of Motorhead, asked: "Who?"

RADIO 4, supposedly a great defender of the English language, described Sherlock Holmes as Baker Street's "most infamous" resident. Many educated people think infamous means really famous when it actually means evil, shameful or disreputable. Sherlock was famous. Moriarty was infamous.

AT this time of year many days have special names: Black Friday, Black-Eye Friday, Panic Saturday and suchlike. But this week sees the return of blessed normality. The kids are back at school, the parties are over, the spend-spend-spend days have hit the buffers and you can actually get to the tills in the shops without being sharp-elbowed aside. Let us name tomorrow Sane Tuesday.