Peter Rhodes: Turning Tiddles veggie

THREE days have passed since the Paris declaration on cutting global emissions. By my calculation, based on most Budget speeches, that's about how long it takes for folk to read the small print and realise they've been sold a pup.

CRITICS claim that the deal benefits the rich nations, not the poor, and that all the unimportant bits of the Paris declaration are compulsory while all the important bits are voluntary. The UK seems to have signed up to extra-strict limits that could spell the end of gas cookers while the rest of the world blazes away regardless. Maybe the warm glow of virtue will keep the Great British hypothermia at bay.

ASSUMING, that is, we ever see cold weather again. Out walking, I see birds singing, cherry trees blossoming, daffs sprouting and clouds of gnats in the garden. Brace yourself for an Australian sort of Xmas.

THE British Veterinary Association warns that the fad for feeding dogs and cats on vegetarian food could damage their health. That may well apply to dogs who tend to wolf down anything you put in front of them. But cats are fussy. Once denied its red meat, your moggie may turn into something quite unexpected – a pedestrian. If you won't feed Tiddles what she wants, there is always some sucker down the road who will. Next thing you know, Tiddles is living three streets away, under the new name of Fluffy and has entirely forgotten you, and your nut puree.

THE latest reports suggest that most owners who try to turn pets into vegetarians do so because they have moral objections to meat. So why not buy a guinea pig?

TEACH yourself Cop-speak. The police have always expressed themselves in a curiously contorted form of English, presumably in the belief that it adds gravitas. When Tyson Fury, the boxing champ, was accused of homophobic and sexist statements, the cops solemnly announced that this was "a hate incident, not a hate crime." Confused? There's more. This week, after images of Birmingham were found on a phone belonging to one of the Paris mass-murderers, police urged Brummies to be "alert but not alarmed." Give it a try. I reckon it's impossible to be alert without being at least slightly alarmed. Sometimes, Cop-speak seems designed to decriminalise situations and save work. I am reminded of the colleague whose handbag was stolen in a pub. A desk sergeant tried very hard to persuade her that "stolen handbag" would look much better in the station log as "lost property."

THE team on Any Questions (Radio 4) tiptoed around the issue as they debated the report showing that some unofficial and unregulated schools in British cities preach against gays, Jews and women. The discovery of these establishments proves not only that some people are happy to preach anti-semitism, misogyny and homophobia to children, but that plenty of parents actually want their kids to be force-fed such bile. It's not only a Muslim issue. Some Jewish and Christian fundamentalist schools have their own dark side. This is not a school problem. It's a community problem.

INCIDENTALLY, I don't include Church of England schools in this issue because the CofE, which basically accepts anyone no matter what they believe, is not actually a religion. It 's more like the fancy-dress arm of social services. And a great national treasure.