Peter Rhodes: Anyone for smaller crumpets?

ONE of the major bakers has just announced it is making bigger crumpets. I bet that is "in response to public demand." In lardarse Britain, would anyone ask for smaller crumpets?

A READER tells me his local council has decided against imposing a levy on late-night pubs and clubs. The official council report tells us: "It is officer opinion that the value of the revenue generation to the council of late-night levies or early-morning restriction orders is extremely limited due to the time consuming and resource-hungry implementation phase." Does nobody speak plain English these days?

MEANWHILE, more English, as she is spoken by estate agents. The reader who spotted a house which, according to the brochure, "affronts the road," tells me he had an interesting discussion over something described as a "complimentary worktop." He asked the agent whether this worktop would say things such as: "That's a nice cake you've just baked." Apparently it doesn't compliment. It merely complements.

IT'S good to see Timothy West and Prunella Scales back in a third series of Great Canal Journeys (C4) but the title is hardly inspiring. How about "Tim and Pru Go Bashing Into Things"? West has apparently been a canal fan for 30 years yet seems fated to hit anything in his path, be it lock, bollard or someone else's boat. There's a sudden wallop and West exclaims brightly: "Sorry, bit of wind there." Finding yourself confronted by a pair of national treasures, what can you do but smile sweetly and hope your insurance is in order? The most terrifying thing you can hear on the Grand Union is the skipper on the approaching narrowboat saying: "Fancy taking the helm, Tim?"

WE have just bought a new cooker. As soon as it was fitted I rang the manufacturer to activate the 12-month warranty. The lad on the line leapt into action, determined to sell me another year's cover for a few quid a month. I explained that we don't do anything involving instalments and he responded with a one-off bargain price of £82. I asked him to email me the details of this amazing cover but he got strangely reticent. Apparently they only offer extended warranty "at the point of registration." In other words, you pay the money before seeing the small print. Thanks, but no thanks. Isn't this how the payment-protection scandal started?

ADVERTS are supposed to be legal, decent, honest and truthful. The Church of England's advert, rightly banned by some cinemas, fails on at least one point with its claim: "Prayer is for everyone." No, it isn't. Prayer is for people who have what they call a faith and the rest of us call a superstition. The Church's advert carries the message used by God-botherers throughout history: everyone else is a believer and you're the odd one out, so the sooner you join us, the better. The truth is that we are a largely post-religious society. We may cherish the festivals, the music and the essential do-unto-others goodness but we have moved on from the prayers and indoctrination because we have seen where it can lead. Ten days ago in Paris I bet no-one was praying harder than the jihadists as they set about doing what they believed was God's work.

REJOICE amid the blizzards. Less than one month from now the nights start getting shorter and the days longer. The pessimist lives in fear of fog and snowdrifts but we optimists can already smell the mackerels cooking on the beach.