Peter Rhodes: Would the Brits have fired 5,000 bullets?

I REFERRED a few days ago to the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was made in 1975. That's 40 years ago. Bet that makes you feel old.

THE snag with being a broadcast reporter is that you can't ask the question you are dying to ask. Ken Livingstone said that when he had referred to his colleague and critic Kevan Jones needing psychiatric help, it was only because Jones had criticised him earlier. In other words, please Sir, it was Jones wot started it. At this stage the obvious question is: "How old are you, Livingstone? About eight?" We all thought it but no-one asked it.

THE French used a very American solution to their hostage crisis. They slammed 5,000 bullets into the apartment in St Denis which almost collapsed, possibly under the weight of lead. I like to think the British approach would be to evacuate the other residents, block the stairs with razor wire, cut off the water supply and just wait. No need to negotiate. No need even to get the guns dirty.

INCIDENTALLY, there is still some debate in Islamic clerical circles over the precise arrangements in Paradise for those who perish in jihad. While some translators insist that martyrs will be greeted and treated by 72 virgins, others insist they are 72 angels while yet another body of opinion goes for a quantity of sweet white raisins. First rule of religion: always read the small print.

OUR criminal-justice system is so corrupt and unfair that I am amazed they can find anyone to serve as magistrates these days. The "victim surcharge" was bad enough, imposing fixed charges, starting at £15 on defendants which bore no relation to their ability to pay or the nature of the crime. It had no basis in justice or common sense and yet, although some JPs resigned in protest, thousands of others have been perfectly happy to impose it. Since April it has been replaced by the criminal courts charge which stings defendants for between £150 and £1,200. Again, only a handful of JPs have resigned. The others, presumably, are only obeying orders, or see nothing wrong in charging a motorist £1,000 for daring to plead not guilty to a speeding offence (incidentally, the fixed-penalty rate for shoplifting is £80 with no added charge).

NOW, at last, Parliament's justice select committee, says it has "grave misgivings about the operation of the charge, and whether, as currently framed, it is compatible with the principles of justice." Well, of course it isn't . But try explaining that to a generation of politicians, not to mention magistrates, who seem quite unable to understand the difference between British justice and daylight robbery.

WE have bought a new cooker. It comes with the usual list of dire warnings, including the ones about parts of it getting hot during use, and the inadvisability of storing petrol on the hob. We live in an age of lawyers and every possible risk of compensation must be covered. The other night I noticed a TV shampoo ad with the warning: "Please don't shampoo your eyes."

AFTER my recent item on a house for sale which, according to the owner, has "a sceptic tank," a reader recalls his house purchase 20 years ago. According to the estate agents, the property "affronted the road."