Peter Rhodes: Can't work, can run a stall

DAVID Cameron's fearless, forthright and strident demands for a reformed EU. What do we want? Not a lot, really. When do we want it? No rush, honestly.

THE New York Times has published a Christmas recipe for sausage rolls which are allegedly unknown in the States. The paper is apparently promoting them as an upper-crust British treat, much appreciated by the old aristocracy on Boxing Day when the servants were on holiday and there was no-one to cook. Yeah, right.

FOR the benefit of any Americans reading this, I must stress the importance of using the right filling in your sausage rolls. It is a congealed grey-pink mass of mechanically-recovered "meat" smelling slightly of sweat. The ideal sausage roll has a semi-solid lump of lard at each end and a grisly bit in the middle which can keep you chewing from Boxing Day to Good Friday, and partly explains British dentistry.

TV news loves a noisy drama and so we never saw the silent majority of the British tourists stranded at Sharm el-Sheikh after the Russian airliner disaster. They are the ones who realised they were mere bit-part players in an unspeakable tragedy. They kept up-to-date with the travel arrangements, took the delays stoically and patiently endured a few more days at the poolside until their planes came. Not exactly riveting TV, is it? So instead the cameras close-focused on the angry, me-first, finger-wagging brigade, the Brits who harangued the authorities and demanded more speed. They showed not an ounce of empathy with the bereaved, not a shred of patience, not a glimmer of appreciation for officials who, in the wake of 200 dead, were working hard to make sure there were no more deaths. You will always find some who bring the attitudes of EastEnders into even the bleakest situation. They had their moment in the spotlight, and what a national embarrassment they were.

THE Annual Tax Summary is probably the best document ever produced in Whitehall. On a single sheet of gobbledegook-free A4 it explains what you've earned, how much tax you've paid and where your tax money has been spent. Mine arrived this week. In the past year I have apparently contributed £177 toward paying off the National Debt, £191 to defence and a whopping £895 on welfare to subsidise those lovely folk featured in On the Yorkshire Dole (C5) who between them manage to buy and sell on the internet, keep an allotment, walk a dog, smoke, drink and produce babies but seem quite unable to find any employment.

TELL me. What sort of medical condition makes it impossible for a Yorkshirewoman to stand for more than five minutes when she's being assessed for work but does not prevent her from running a car-boot sale on Sundays? Thankfully, I pay the NHS to look after my blood pressure - £704, since you ask.

SO Farewell, Downton Abbey, with its sugary depiction of warm-hearted aristos and loyal, forelock- tugging staff. Everybody knew their place and all the servants got lots of time off for teaching, sitting exams or running a B&B. Maybe in some stately homes life was as jolly and easy as that. All I can contribute is that when I was born both my parents were in service at a grand house in Lancashire and if it was such a lovely experience, how come I was in my 40s before they even told me about it?