And finally, Scotland

THE master of the one-liner, Milton Jones, is telling audiences at the Edinburgh Festival: “I come from a family of failed magicians: I’ve got two half-sisters.”

IN ye olden days when we had only two television channels, plus BBC radio and the local cinema, we all knew what a star was; it was someone we all recognised. Today's multiplicity of channels, social media and computer games means someone can become stupendously famous among half the population while the other half has never heard of them. Natalie Dormer starred in The Scandalous Lady W (BBC2). If you happen to follow something called Game of Thrones, you know her as a superstar. To the rest of us, she was a newcomer.

SOME critics coped with Miss Dormer better than others. The Guardian reviewer went entirely to pieces over “the wondrous Natalie Dormer, whose musks simply seeped through the screen – oh, my.” Blimey. What sort of telly has he got?

SEPP Blatter insists: “The institution (Fifa) is not corrupt. There is no corruption in football. There is corruption with individuals. It is the people.” I am reminded of the industrialist who declared his factory was unfairly blamed for polluting a lake when the pollution was actually caused by all those dead fish.

AS a rule I steer clear of conspiracy theories. And yet, of all the unfortunate places for a terror suspect who is “on the radar” of security forces across Europe to draw his Kalashnikov, could anywhere be worse than right in front of three fit, hard American servicemen who promptly deck him? One e-mailer to a news website, admiring the knots and ropework used to restrain the suspect, asks whether the average squaddie is taught such techniques. A tiny part of me is wondering who ambushed whom.

TV gardener Charlie Dimmock suggested allotments are too big and should be divided in four. She was instantly denounced by the National Allotments Society which argues that the common 300 square yard allotment is designed to feed a family of four. Good to report that not all allotment fans share the rigid NAS view.The chairman of an allotments association tells me: “The allotments our forefathers were used to are far too big for current use. This year, when a plot became vacant, I quartered it and the four new plot holders are really enjoying their gardening. I did not get permission from the National Allotments Association, I used - an old fashioned expression- common sense.”

AMID the furore over the Met Office losing its contract to supply the BBC with weather information, my vote goes to whoever can hold our attention. There is something very strange about weather forecasts, especially on the radio. No matter how hard you try to concentrate, no matter how eagerly you listen out for your own specific region, after a couple of sentences, the bulletin goes all mumbledyumbledeeoombledeewobbledoo and the next thing you hear is: “Finally, for north-west Scotland.” Time after time.

IS it a good idea for 60-year-old warplanes laden with fuel to perform loop-the-loops over busy dual carriageways? Why are we even having this debate?

A READER says we should not utterly condemn the delay in publishing the long-awaited report into the invasion of Iraq. If nothing else, it has given the English language a new adjective: Slow, slower and Chilcot.