The easiest job of all

YESTERDAY'S hilarious joke about advice for game birds on the Glorious Twelfth ("Grouse, duck!") was entirely out of my own head and I can't find anything similar on the internet. It is therefore my joke and my intellectual property rights and if you repeat it in any form, you'll have to pay me £100,000. Well, it's worth a try, isn't it?

IN the United States (where else?) lawyers acting for comedians and comedy writers are threatening to claim damages against people who nick jokes from Twitter and other sources and then recycle them as their own.

BUT is there any such thing as a genuinely original joke? According to showbiz legend there are only seven basic jokes; all the others are merely variations. (To which the tried, trusted and essentially British response is: I'm expecting a number two today).

MEANWHILE, as the Edinburgh Festival and Fringe begin and dozens of new comedians have nightmares about how their audiences may or may no react, they should take comfort and remember that being a comedian is the easiest of all jobs because, if it goes horribly wrong, at least no-one will laugh at you.

JEREMY Corbyn could well win the poll to become leader of the Labour Party. If he keeps his nose clean and is not exposed as a complete idiot for the next five years, he might even lead Labour into the 2020 General Election. If so, there is no reason why Corbyn, with his ordinary-bloke-in-vest appeal, should not scoop up millions of new votes for Labour. The snag is that Corbyn's Labour might do brilliantly among the young, huddled and idealistic masses of the inner cities. But even if you get 99 per cent of the vote in the safest Labour seats such as Bootle, Birmingham Ladywood and Wolverhampton South East, you still win only one constituency. And even if Corbyn gained a majority of the national vote, he still wouldn't win a general election unless he gained some seats in the leafy shire constituencies where men in vests tend to be regarded with suspicion. Corbyn's real contribution to politics may be not to win any elections but to revive the ancient red/blue divide in English politics. In the process he could drive a wedge of mutual resentment and distrust between cities and shires unlike anything we have seen since the days of Cavaliers and Roundheads. By the Corbyn divided.

THERE is an old hymn which advises us "When to speak and when be silent, when to do and when forbear." The trade union Unite should study it well. The union is campaigning against Pizza Express's practice of deducting a percentage from customers' tips paid by credit or debit card. A union official says: "In a good night a waiter can make £50 in tips. If you have eight per cent taken off you lose £4, and that's a lot of money to someone on the minimum wage." Hang on. If someone is earning the minimum wage, plus £50 a night extra in tips, he is not in any sense "on the minimum wage." I bet HM Revenue & Customs will be on this case pretty soon. When to speak and when be silent . . .

WHY do some meteors in this week's Perseid Shower seem to move more slowly than the others? Because they are parking meteors. That'll be another £100,000, thanks.