Peter Rhodes: The sooner you quit, the better

IT'S the end of July and I'm lighting the stove. God rot this global warming.

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AFTER the Commons Speaker John Bercow was caught charging £172 for a chauffeur-driven trip of barely half-a-mile, a spokesman for his office announced: "The Speaker is always mindful of costs." So are we, dear boy. So are we.

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GREAT quotes of our time. "The actions of a few damage our reputation." Lord Sewel, earlier this month, describing new powers to sack peers who breach the Lords' code of conduct. And then he was caught with two hookers and a lot of white powder. Oops.

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LORD Sewel's downfall was reported in Holland under the headline: "Britse Lord snuift coke van tieten hoer." No translation needed.

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INCIDENTALLY, if you are ever caught by a Sunday newspaper with your trousers down, it is always best to clear your desk and resign as soon as possible. Why? Because it is a golden rule of Sunday journalism that the newspaper will hold back some really juicy material for next week's edition.

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A WOMAN recovering from breast cancer was in a car driven by her ex-husband which ran out of petrol. He parked the car and walked away. She thought it was left in a very dangerous place and tried to push it. A passer-by saw what was happening and called the police. The police breathalysed the woman. A magistrate in Cambridge a few days ago admitted the case was "unusual" but imposed a three-year driving ban. Of course, justice must be done but wouldn't this evening have ended much more happily if either the passer-by or the cops had simply assisted a sick woman in pushing the car to a safe place? Don't people help each other any more?

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FOREIGN crooks stand accused of buying British property, especially in London, in order to launder their ill-gotten gains. This will come as a surprise to honest Brits who have to endure all sorts of checks to do something as simple as opening an account with their local building society. I found a typical building-society website whose information on "Proving Your Identity" runs to a daunting 1,931 words, warning how such proof is obtained, how your ID documents will be scrutinised and telling us that such a process is vital to prevent money laundering. So Joe Public has to jump through endless hoops but your typical underworld boss turns up with £10 million in a briefcase to buy a mansion and is welcomed with open arms?

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WHEN a wife in Glynoch, South Wales, discovered her teacher husband was having an affair with a former pupil, she was heard to yell: "She's only 18!" before driving her car slowly forward, nudging her husband until he fell over. At Merthyr Tydfil Crown Court the wronged wife was fined £500 for careless driving. Sounds remarkably careful and restrained to me.

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AN end-of-term tradition in which kids set fire to their school books damaged a power cable in east London, blacking out 140,000 homes. The bad thing about book burning (apart from the fact that the Nazis loved it) is that you may go home to an unlit house, sandwiches for tea and a really angry Mum. The good thing about book burning is that you are spared that shocking moment 30 years later when you find your books and realise you once understood Boyle's Law, Avogadro's Hypothesis, French irregular verbs and all sorts of facts that have since vanished into that terrifying and ever-growing black hole of stuff you have forgotten.