Peter Rhodes: Hammer the motorists, ignore an alleged paedophile

THAT £20 million Airports Commission report in full: 1) The best option is a new third runway at Heathrow. 2) In order to reduce pollution and noise, the new runway should not be used. 3) That'll be £20 million, please.

A FRIEND, thinking of getting a smartphone, entered the mobile-phone shop and was instantly approached by a salesman. She explained what she wanted. "What's your name?" he asked, chummily. Surprised, she asked why he wanted to know. "Well, you can see my name," he smiled, indicating his name-tag, "so I'd like to know yours." She told him. He then insisted on shaking hands. Someone in higher management has obviously decided that calling customers by their first names and pressing their flesh is a good idea. It is not. It is creepy and intrusive and at the moment of that handshake, my friend knew she was never going to buy anything from this shop and took her business elsewhere.

IN an idle moment (blame the heat) I found myself wondering whatever happened to the Rolf Harris Fan Club. This online notice is the closest I can find: "Unofficial Rolf Harris Fan Club Site UK. In light of recent events, this fan club has been disbanded. In fairness it has been running for 15 years and not a single person inquired about joining. In hindsight this should have rung some alarm bells. Disclaimer: We do not condone in any way the binding of marsupials with rope." Priceless.

FIRST rule of journalism. Never throw anything away. In May 2012 I wrote: "Home Secretary Theresa May says measures are in hand to deal with any influx of Greek citizens if Greece withdraws from the euro. Daft idea. Here's a better plan Let's welcome all the young, educated, well-motivated Greeks with open arms. At the same time, let's send a few shiploads of our own feckless, illiterate, home-grown skivers in the other direction with a one-way ticket to the Greek islands and £1,000 worth of lager vouchers. Result: no net increase in UK population and happiness all round." Dig it out, dust it off, pass it off as new. The Greek crisis has been with us a long time and three years after writing that, every word still stands.

ELSA Harris has been fined £100 for peeling a banana as she drove to work. The 45-year-old carer insists her car was stationary when a police car slammed on its brakes in front of her and a "very angry" officer got out. Her £100 fine is only the start. In the years ahead, her insurance premiums will be hiked. The final penalty for this tiniest of offences will run into hundreds of pounds. And the same goes for the two million British drivers nicked for often piffling speeding offences each year. In the name of "protecting the travelling public," police seem to have unlimited time, technology and motivation to nick millions of their fellow citizens. His Serene Smoothness Lord Greville Janner, on the other hand, allegedly abused a large number of children over a 30-year period and the authorities did nothing.

JANNER is now said to be suffering from dementia so badly that, although a prosecution is scheduled for August, he may not be required to attend and there is no question of him being punished for anything. Unless, of course, he drives at 34mph on the way to court. Priorities, eh?

SUMMER: The season when, having spent nine months waiting for a few hot days, you remember you don't really like hot days.