Fresh, fair and funny

"PERHAPS too much Cognac." Manager Michael Grange's priceless explanation of the fire at Oxford's famous Randolph Hotel, thought to have been caused by someone cooking a beef flambee.

THAT P-word keeps popping up. People keep banging on about "progressive" politics. Have you noticed how they never tell us what they are progressing towards?

BALLOT Monkeys (C4) is a weekly political satire on the General Election which claims it is "so topical it hasn't been written yet." Oh, yeah? Some of the gags in the first episode had whiskers on them. Even so, it was a fair and funny effort. I loved the wonderful Sarah Hadland as the Ukip activist who can't open her mouth without going off-message (Breastfeeding? Yuk)

I REFERRED yesterday to Lacock, the Wiltshire village used as a location in countless films. Our quick visit told you everything you need to know about the state of the nation. On a weekday in April the place was rammed with retired people with money in their pockets and a National Trust sticker on their windscreens. Britain's new elite.

THIS week's rash of revelations about massive salaries and pay rises for senior NHS executives should surely focus minds on how the health service spends its money. Apparently not. When party leaders talk about the future of the NHS, they always pledge more money, as if the sole aim is to spend as much as possible. Isn't it obvious by now that the many-headed leviathan of NHS management is perfectly capable of absorbing every penny the nation throws at it (currently £1.5 million and rising), while still delivering some of the longest queues and worst cancer-outcome rates in the developed world?

THE so-called "Trojan Horse" jewellery con trick reported this week involved a fake cabinet built in a hotel room with two drawers. A teenage member of the gang was concealed in the cabinet and the plan was to switch the contents, leaving the hapless jeweller with counterfeit money in exchange for £1.5 worth of gems. Police were tipped off about the scam and arrested the gang. But the only reason this gang, part of an international ring, had succeeded in earlier attempts was because some jewellers, instead of accepting money or credit cards at the shop, seem quite happy to attend dodgy meetings in hotel rooms with shady characters with briefcases full of millions of euros. So what's going on? It looks like tax dodging on a massive scale. A couple of years ago, faced with an epidemic of church-roof stripping and metal theft, the Government cracked down hard on backstreet scrapyards, demanding a paper trail of all transactions. Can we expect the same vigilance in dealing with jewellers with posh names and even posher addresses who seem to have a weakness for big bundles of used notes? If not, why not?

HOW finance works. My credit-card company, noticing that I never spend up to my credit limit, has just reduced my limit by £2,000. This releases £2,000 which they can then lend to some poor devil already up to his eyeballs in debt. The leaden lifebelt.

MY irritation at finding unsolicited adverts appearing among my emails is shared by a reader who thought he could avoid such things by lying about his age. He told Facebook his date of birth was January 1, 1900, making him 115 years old. Even so, he is still bombarded with adverts from ladies in their 40s who are eager for love, or maybe just a mention in his will.