No first-timers, thanks

"TWO cans of lager, a fingertip of yeast and 250g of flour." London cafe owner Jim Thomlinson, describing how to make the batter for the perfect deep-fried Cadbury Creme Egg.

LIBBY Lane, the first female bishop in the Church of England, delivered the Easter sermon, live from Chester Cathedral on BBC Radio 4. And, lo, the message was that Jesus' male disciples were a bunch of cowards who ran away but the women on Easter morning were brave, intelligent, resolute sisters whose steadfastness and suffering is shared by every woman alive today. Behold, the new Easter message – a feminist rant from Wimmin's Libby.

A PAL, meanwhile, rages against Easter traffic jams and DIY-shop queues in general and the queue at his local tip in particular. What really annoys him is "people who don't know what to do." Quite so. Council tips, like airports and marinas, are designed to be used only by people who have used them before. There is nothing more irritating than finding yourself in a queue behind people who use the recycling centre once in a blue moon and are looking for someone to tell them where they can stick their old microwave. No suggestions, thanks.

QUESTION 1) If you were asked to unload a 747 full of jelly beans, what would you do? Question 2) Describe the colour yellow to somebody who's blind. Question 3) What's your favourite 1990s jam? These are just three of the tricky tasks and questions set by major US companies during job interviews last year. After some thought I came up with the answers: 1) Develop diabetes, 2) Yellow smells just like banana, and 3) Eric Clapton Unplugged. I wouldn't pass the job interview. Nobody likes a smartarse.

I WAS driven home the other night by a pal with a hybrid car which has a dashboard straight out of Star Trek. It displays a video image of the car with moving arrows showing whether power is coming from the petrol tank or the batteries. And very pretty it is, too. Now comes news of yet another dashboard display, this one linked to a sensor which detects red traffic lights and tells you what speed to drive at in order to reach the light as it changes to green. So that's something else to watch when you should be looking at the road. Progress should make our lives simpler and safer but it seems to be working in reverse. Don't you long for the days when the only dashboard information you had was your speed and the oil-warning light?

IN the United States, where they take such things seriously, 11 former teachers and administrators are facing up to 20 years in jail for a school-exam cheating scandal. My eye was caught by one of them who turned up in court in Atlanta wearing a bow tie. I can only assume that over there, a bow tie implies professionalism and class. Over this side of the water, it raises suspicions. I can never see one without being reminded of Janet (Barbara Mullen) in Dr Finlay's Casebook remarking: "Never trust a man who wears a bow tie."

A MUSLIM family group from Rochdale seems to have made a failed attempt to emigrate to the Islamic State, a land where, between US air strikes and martyrdom classes, public entertainment takes the form of chucking gay men off high buildings and beheading apostates, traitors and zionists. Doesn't say much for Rochdale, does it?