The deceptive mug

IT may look fine on Labour's official list of election pledges but the slogan: "Controls on Immigration" looks all wrong on the party's £5 souvenir election mug. Putting weeping illegal migrants on the boat home may be a necessary part of any government's policy but it hardly goes with a cozy cuppa in one of one's several kitchens, does it?

THE controversial mug brought this Twitter response from Labour backbencher Diane Abbott: "Real problem is that immigration controls are one of our five pledges at all." It is a reminder that plenty of politicians believe that any border controls are evil, that all citizens of this planet have a right to settle wherever they wish. Barking mad, if you ask me, but at least it's honest, unlike the posturing of the main parties who try to convince us migration is under control when the floodgates are not merely open but off the hinges.

YOU would think from the reviews of Poldark (BBC1) that it was all about acres of nudity. In truth it's all very restrained. Yet the weekly focus on the groping means that some superb little moments go unremarked. So let's hear it for Ruby Bentall, as Verity Poldark, having a friendly chat with Demelza (Eleanor Tomlinson) who suddenly turns the conversation to how, when she and Ross are a-bed, she pleasures him. Prim little Verity almost has what used to be called a fit of the vapours. Priceless.

BACK in the days when religion was part of national life, the most poignant day in the Christian calendar was marked with due solemnity on television. A reader points out that the telly schedules for this Good Friday include Eurovision's Greatest Hits and repeats of Hi-de-Hi! , 'Allo 'Allo! and Are You Being Served? with, as he says, "the inevitable references to Mrs Slocombe's pussy."

CHEER up, sir. At least the Easter weather is going to be traditional which should generate a lot of religious language. There's nothing like a perishing cold weekend shivering in a storm-tossed caravan to make godless Brits utter the name of the Almighty.

MARINA Fogle, wife of TV presenter Ben, laments the break-up of her friends' marriages. Her recipe for a happy relationship, after nine years with Ben, is based on tips such as: "Rather than despair in each other's differences, embrace them" and regular visits to a relationship counsellor. Pardon my cynical guffaw but the more I see of marriage, the less I trust golden rules and homely tips. People change. Seemingly-perfect marriages break down for all sorts of unforeseen reasons. And if, after 10, 20 or 30 years your marriage has not been tested to destruction by illness, redundancy, nightmare neighbours, wayward children, horrendous in-laws, booze, drugs, gambling, temptation or boredom and you still happen to love the person your spouse has become, then just accept that you've had more than your fair share of the most important four-letter word of all. Luck.

MY recent item about the woman on Antiques Roadshow who bought a necklace from a charity shop for £5 and had it valued at up to £6,000 brings much dark muttering. One reader enquires: "Did she work in the shop?" There is a persistent rumour that charity-shop workers get the pick of the goods. Is it true? Or is it just a tale put about by people who have never given the time and effort to work in such places?

ONE thing I know from a reliable source is that some charity shops suffer huge losses from shoplifting. Scum does not even begin to describe them.