So how's the Dyson?

CAR insurance time again. Using the Confused.com comparison website, I can understand why Hastings quotes £168.93 to insure my old banger for a year and and Esure quotes £172.45. They obviously want the business. What I don't understand is why First for Insurance quotes £2,400 and Insure OK an eye-watering £2,971.30. Bizarre.

AFTER several recent conflicting reports on the effects of wine (one glass reduces heart risks; two glasses increases the stroke risk etc), I said a few days ago that I could not wait for this week's tip. And sure enough, here it is from the University of Oregon where researchers claim red wine can slow the growth of fat cells and help you slim. The only conclusion you can safely draw from all these reports is that an awful lot of researchers in an awful lot of universities are slugging a helluva lot of wine.

THE Baftas, the Golden Globes and the Academy Awards are three occasions when time stands still. Women stars who demand to be known as actors at all other times (on the grounds that the term actress is outdated, sexist and demeaning) dream of slipping into their most revealing frocks and being acclaimed as best actress, best supporting actress, best actress in a TV drama, etc, etc. Hypocrisy, thy name is Oscar Globes-Bafta.

TALKING of awards, I detect some male competitiveness arising from last week's item on Gwyneth Paltrow's newly revealed intimate steam-cleaning technique ("a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al," as she put it). I suggested we blokes should strive for similar squeaky-clean standards in the trouser region. A reader writes: "I don't have access to Ms Paltrow's mugwort steam system but I do have a Karcher K4 home pressure washer capable of delivering 420 litres an hour at 130 bar pressure. What do you advise?" Caution, dear boy. Caution.

YOU sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind. The fires that consumed a Jordanian pilot are as nothing compared to the inferno of white-hot bomb blasts that Jordan is now unleashing against Islamic State. Whoever coined the phrase "revenge is a dish best enjoyed cold" had never piloted an F-16.

NO, no. I'm more offended than you are about Stephen Fry doing an impression of Stephen Hawking at the Baftas. I'm really, really offended. I get up specially early every day and stay up late in order to be offended longer than anyone else. I'm offended on behalf of disabled people everywhere who are, of course, mortally offended. What's that? Disabled people are not in the least offended? Hawking was amused? Dammit. I shall have to find something else to be offended about.

I HAD a phone call on Monday from a lady inquiring how we were getting on with our Dyson vacuum cleaner. I explained that we don't have one and she apologised, mumbled something about "our records" and hung up. And then I turned to the official Dyson website and discovered this warning about a growing market in dodgy Dyson servicing: "They offer to service Dyson vacuums for sums as little as £20. However, customers have told us that these visits actually end up costing them up to £150. Poor workmanship carried out by these engineers can also invalidate your guarantee." Is there anybody honest out there?